


Fault

by standall



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV), Thirteen Reasons Why - Jay Asher
Genre: Angst, Guilt, Hospital, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Recovery, Spoilers, attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2018-10-19 06:41:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 32,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10634382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/standall/pseuds/standall
Summary: There were no thirteen reasons why Alex Standall shot himself, no tapes and no note. Everyone who knew about the tapes had good reason to believe that they were the reason he did it but no one could be sure, and so far no one besides the teachers at Liberty High and his family knew.The headmaster knew the students had to find out, it was important to give them the message as soon as possible, so he made an emergency gathering in the school's gym.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's mainly canon up until this point with how the school tell them and Zach knowing, I don't really know long to make this! I hope you like it. (:

Even though his better judgement told him not to go to school, Justin thought a bit of normality would be good in his life right now. He didn't have a family, a girlfriend or friends but somehow he dragged his depressed, lonely self to school. As he walked towards the building, his bag on his shoulder, he could hear the people he used to call friends talking loudly like nothing was wrong and like nothing had happened.

Yesterday Justin left behind the only person who was actually there for him and even though he hated the boy with every ounce of anger inside him, he was lost without him. There was no point in being on the school sports team anymore, not with Bryce still the _star_ , and there was no point in coming to school and seeing Jessica happier without him. Justin didn't see any point in being here but he promised himself he'd give life one last chance before he took the gun in his bag and ended everything. One more hopeless chance at life, just like Hannah had, and Justin was almost positive his life would end the same way as hers. Instead of having people care like they did for Hannah, everyone would be glad to be rid of him including his mom.

"Hey! Justin!" the one voice that Justin didn't want to hear called out to him and with a swift movement into the front entrance of the school, he managed to escape. Justin didn't want to see or hear from Bryce, he thought he'd made that pretty clear when he left him in that alleyway the previous day.

It wasn't just Bryce that Justin had distanced himself from, it was everyone. In that respect it was somewhat his fault that he was alone, but could he really be blamed when all of his friends ditched him when he needed them the most? When Jessica and Bryce weren't answering his calls it was the blonde boy that took him in, not his friends. Alex and Justin never considered each other friends, not until Alex let Justin stay at his house a few days ago.

Justin felt his phone buzzing in his pocket, pulling it out and declining what was probably the tenth call he'd had from Zach from only this morning. It should have struck him as urgent when the number went into double digits, but he wasn't thinking. All Justin was thinking about was the weapon in his bag and how lonely he felt. He kept up a hard face but his tired eyes showed more emotion than he wanted them to. The brunette walked through the halls and towards his locker, glad he wasn't being bothered for now.

The halls filled with students when the first bell rang, Justin standing with his head hid behind his locker. Without any eyes on him he allowed his face to fall, his eyes watering just a little in the process, but then he slammed the locker shut in frustration at himself. An announcement sounded over the tannoy, Justin only half paying attention.

_"Students must report to the gymnasium after the second bell rings for an emergency announcement, thank you."_

Why was he even here? What was the point in even trying?

Justin had every intention of leaving but was stopped when he turned around and almost collided with Zach. "Where the fuck have you been?" Zach asked, his voice holding an accusing tone. Zach had searched for Justin since school ended yesterday and he wasn't in any of the places Zach could think of to look.

"What do you care?" Justin rolled his eyes and adjusted the strap of his bag over his shoulder. His eyes were still slightly glassy but he sucked in a breath through his nose while straightening his posture and standing tall. He wasn't as tall as Zach but he wasn't going to look weak in front of someone who he wouldn't consider much of a friend anymore. To put things simply, Justin was homeless. He couldn't go to Bryce's and he couldn't stay with Jessica, Zach never picked up his phone anymore and Justin hated asking for favours from people who didn't owe him.

His eyes glanced over to the locker he knew belonged to Alex but there was no one there, maybe the blonde wasn't in school today. Things had gotten too much for a lot of people recently, which was the reason why Justin thought Jessica and Alex weren't at school. His assumption was right for both but for the bleach blonde haired boy it was a lot more extreme than things just being 'too much'.

Justin hadn't looked at Zach enough to see his bloodshot eyes and the dark circles surrounding them. "Justin I've been calling you. Where the fuck were you? We need to talk. Right now," he ordered, or at least tried to, but his voice cracked and his words were more begging than insisting. This slight weakness caused Justin to look up at his former friend.

His eyes were the first thing Justin noticed, the fact they were red and puffy from crying. It looked like he'd been crying a lot, not to mention fresh tears were already coming to his eyes. Something told Justin that he should have answered those calls but before he could agree to Zach's request, the second bell rang. They had to go to the gym for an emergency announcement, something Zach didn't look in a hurry to get to.

"Wait, Justin," he begged and grabbed Justin's arm when the boy tried to walk away. Justin only shook Zach's hand off of him harshly. "Justin I need to-"

A voice broke their conversation. Mr. Porter. "Shouldn't you two be at the gym?" the teacher asked. It sounded like the man had something bothering him too but Justin couldn't think straight or piece it all together. He just walked passed Zach, colliding into his shoulder harshly, and headed towards the gym.

Everyone filed into the school's gym, a tense atmosphere engulfing each student that entered. They all sat down in the stands, watching as the headmaster shared some quiet words with a teacher. Normally the students would be laughing until told to listen by the headmaster but with the looks on all of the teacher's faces and the pained way the headmaster was looking at the students, no one felt that this was a normal announcement. Instead of being loud and messing around like they normally did, the students sat down silently. Justin walked in a little bit late but they hadn't started yet, they were waiting for Mr. Porter, even though the man probably shouldn't be there.

The students didn't need quieting down because the tears escaping Mrs. Bradley's eyes kept them worriedly silent, besides the odd whisper of the teens asking if anyone knew what was going on. This was all too familiar to the way they told the students about Hannah.

Justin sat down at the front despite Bryce trying to catch his eye and wave him over to the back. Zach followed him inside but knew better than to sit with him so the boy too sat alone on the other side of the gym, everyone awaiting the announcement. Mr. Porter's presence was all it took for the headmaster to stand forwards.

It was all so familiar and it was all so fucked up. The difference was that everyone knew about Hannah before that assembly, but this time no one knew what was going on. Everyone was growing restless and stressed, Justin included. Justin quickly looked around for the people he thought might be the subject of this announcement, wondering if he could determine a name before the headmaster told them. Tyler was here, Courtney was here, Sheri was too, obviously Zach was, Bryce was...

Jessica?

The teen gulped, his breathing picking up slightly as he stared intensely at the headmaster. The students had waited long enough and finally the man spoke. "I would like to thank you all for being here," he only realised how cruel that could have sounded considering the situation, considering there was a student who wasn't here. "As you can probably tell there has been an incident. One of your classmates-"

Everyone expected the worst, everyone expected those two words: _committed suicide_. Those words did follow the headmaster's statement, but were accompanied by another and this other word gave some hope to the students of Liberty.

Attempted.

"-attempted to commit suicide two days ago."

A few gasps left the students' mouths, both shock and alarm on their features. This was when people started to truly search the room for any missing classmates and for anyone that was there. People locked eyes with friends and classmates, unable to determine who it was with the amount of absent people. A chatter started amongst them all too, even if it was mostly quiet, but they couldn't help themselves from asking 'who' and conspiring.

"Who was it?" someone in the crowd of students asked, unable to keep the unanswered question quiet. All of them needed to know, Justin couldn't just sit there in worry it was Jessica either. If it was then he didn't know what he'd do, it'd be partially his fault after all. Everyone quietened back down when the question was asked and they expected an answer.

Instead of answering that question, the headmaster continued with details that the students both cared and didn't care about. "The student is in the hospital in a critical condition, they are stable but the family wanted students informed so if any friends were to-"

"Who the fuck was it?" Justin screamed when the anxiety became too much, standing up from where he was sitting and staring at the headmaster, who looked shocked at the boy's outburst. The man was sympathetic towards Justin when he saw how distraught and worried he was. Justin couldn't think and he couldn't breathe, his whole body was shaking and he closed his hands into fists to contain some of his emotion. Tears had already escaped his eyes, this enough to make the headmaster nod.

"Alex Standall."

Everything stood still.

It wasn't Jess but somehow hearing that name hurt ten times worse. Justin shook his head a few times, trying not to believe what he was being told. The last name he expected to hear was the one of the blonde haired boy, the kind hearted and troubled boy, who Justin had tried to find in the halls that morning. How stupid of him, how fucking stupid.

"Fuck," Justin exclaimed, the pain in his voice obvious. Everyone was staring at Justin while he reached his breaking point, as he finally let himself break. It didn't matter anyway, Justin didn't plan on seeing any of these people again. He didn't plan on seeing anyone again.

Justin grabbed his bag from the floor and stormed out of the door, slamming it behind him. Sobs escaped his lips and his eyes overflowed with tears. "Fuck!" he screamed and punched one of the many lockers in the hall he had escaped into. His voice echoed throughout the halls and it was safe to say the other students were confused as to why Justin cared to much. Sure, Alex had hung around with Justin for a while, but it didn't strike the other students as a very close friendship. In fact, it was rather unlikely, but Justin showed more emotion and sadness than any other student in that gymnasium.

Most people were shocked because of what happened but Alex didn't have that many friends, there wasn't one person he was close to anymore. He'd befriended Jessica and Clay recently but other than that he really didn't have anyone, Justin blamed himself for that.

"Justin," Mr. Porter said calmly as he walked down the hall towards the boy. Justin didn't want to hear it, he really didn't want to hear it, so he left through the front of the school with his knuckles bleeding and his face wet with tears.

Just as he reached into his bag for the gun he had under a few of his t-shirts, a voice stopped him. The voice sounded a lot more broken than Zach's, a male voice, and it was one he vaguely remembered. "Justin, right?" Justin's fingers brushed passed the cold weapon in his bag and he looked up at the man. Alex's brother? Justin nodded at the question, sniffling and wiping his tears away away. It was only for them to be replaced by new ones, but he hated crying. "You're Alex's friend?"

Friend, there was some humour in that statement, but Justin could only nod. He wanted to be Alex's friend but he was a pretty shit one if he couldn't even be there for him. Alex had been there when Justin needed somewhere to stay but Justin had never returned the favour of helping him out. He'd stayed in Alex's house, in his bedroom, and he hadn't noticed anything at all, not that he was depressed or considering suicide. Justin wasn't a good friend to have.

Alex's brother looked relieved when Justin nodded but Justin didn't feel so relieved himself, he was actually confused as to why it'd be a good thing. The truth was that Alex never brought his friends over, besides Justin, so the family had been searching for a friend of his since Alex shot himself. Someone, that being Zach, called Alex after it happened and Alex's dad had been the one to break the news to him. Even though Zach sounded concerned and sad, it was nothing compared to what the blonde's brother just witnessed from Justin's reaction.

"Shouldn't you be at the hospital?" Justin asked, trying to act strong even though he felt the opposite. Couldn't this guy just leave so that he could end it? Justin brushed his fingers against the cold metal in his bag once more, it was really tempting, but he stopped as soon as he heard the words that left Alex's brothers mouth.

"Shouldn't you?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night Justin spent at the bleach blonde haired boy's house was nice and warming because Alex gave him a place to sleep that felt like home.  
> Neither boy had felt alone that night. They stayed in a comfortable silence of understanding in their separate blankets, Alex toying with the idea of offering the other half of his bed to Justin. He never made that offer so Justin didn't have the chance to accept, but they still had a blissful night without the troubles of the world.
> 
> The troubles came back in the morning as soon as Justin stepped out of Alex's presence.

Justin couldn't imagine what it felt like to almost lose a brother. He didn't have a family that cared about him at all, let alone a brother, and the only _brother_ he'd had his entire life was Bryce. It was safe to say that Justin had gotten rid of Bryce from his life, so even losing Bryce wouldn't compare to the way that this guy was feeling about Alex. The man's words stung a lot more than he cared to admit.

_Shouldn't you?_  
Justin didn't know. Should he be at the hospital with Alex?

Instead of giving in or brushing him off, Justin went for a more defensive approach. Being defensive was the only thing he could think to do to save himself from feeling more pain than he already did. He couldn't remember ever feeling so useless and guilty, not even after he listened to Hannah's damned tapes. "I only just fucking found out," Justin told the guy pointedly, looking down at his own bleeding knuckles for a distraction and sighing.

"My dad spoke to someone on the phone yesterday, didn't they tell you?" the man's voice was eerily calm compared to Justin's. Justin couldn't decide whether he found that reassuring or worrying. Either he'd accepted his brother's fate or he had every hope that Alex would be okay. Maybe he was just numb to it all.

It finally pieced together, the events of the past twenty-four hours falling into place. Zach had more than likely called Alex yesterday to see if he mentioned the tapes to the lawyers, maybe that's when he found out. Zach had called Justin so many times to tell him what happened and, being an idiot like always, Justin didn't answer the phone.

The look on Justin's face was enough to inform the brother he hadn't been told before now, Justin's words had merely confirmed it, and Peter assumed they'd just made the announcement to the students. Justin's reaction and expression right now was reminding him of himself. Even Alex's dad didn't react like this. Clearly Peter thought that Justin was closer to Alex than he really was, but Alex didn't have anyone calling or texting him, besides a guy called Zach yesterday that soon stopped when he found out what happened. The family wanted to believe that Alex's friends were just busy but the more time that passed, the more they assumed no one was going to call. "Do you know which locker is his?" he asked. Justin only nodded. "Can you show me?" Justin nodded again.

The two guys walked into the school, their bloodshot eyes and the dark rings around them matching. They had very different reasons for their lack of sleep but their tears were being shed over the same boy. Justin walked to Alex's locker as though he didn't have any doubt which one was his, that was the truth, and he wondered if Alex's brother knew the code to get in. Soon that confirmed as a yes when Peter did the code and opened the locker. Justin was curious as to what he wanted the locker for but he didn't want to question it, it was giving him five more minutes of life before he walked away from the school and ended it. He wouldn't get the reaction from the teachers and students that Alex had and he wouldn't miss, he'd try his hardest not to miss so he didn't end up in hospital like Alex.

Justin could only imagine waking up after intending to end it all. It would be awful and by the sounds of things no other friends of Alex's had visited the hospital, Justin automatically hated Zach for that. If Alex was just as alone now as he was before he attempted then what was the point of his second chance at life? It was doomed to end the same way Alex intended to end it the first time, the second time he wouldn't fail. Justin was glad Alex was still alive but he himself wouldn't be alive long enough to see that blonde hair again. Alex was better off not seeing him, Justin could imagine he was the last person Alex wanted to see. He wanted to visit, he really did, but he assumed Clay and some others would go now they knew.

"We just want to know why," the voice snapped Justin from his thoughts and his chest tightened painfully at those words. If he hadn't paid as much attention to Alex as he did, Justin might have been asking the same thing, but Justin knew all about the tapes and Alex's feelings on them. It was cruel with the more he thought about it because Justin did pay attention, he paid more attention to Alex than anyone else, and yet he still didn't notice the boy was suicidal.

The night Justin stayed at Alex's house he had met Peter, Alex's brother, and Alex's dad. The police officer was happy to finally meet a friend of Alex's that was a guy and not a girl, especially someone as sporty and charming as Justin. Justin was everything in a son that Alex's dad didn't see in Alex but Justin made sure to keep the conversation steered clear from that topic. Justin thought that Alex was ten times the son he'd ever be, ten times the friend and ten times the boyfriend. It was a wonder that Jessica didn't go back to Alex. The night Justin spent at the bleach blonde haired boy's house was nice and warming because Alex gave him a place to sleep that felt like home. Alex's bedroom felt like home, even if it wasn't really Justin's home at all.

•••

_"Stop staring at me Foley," Alex warned as he went over to his closet and took out some clothes to wear to bed. Justin had just been broken up with by his girlfriend and he'd announced to too many people what Bryce did. It was a mess but finally, late into the night, the two teens were safely in Alex's bedroom._

_There were blankets on the floor for Justin to sleep on but Alex still felt guilty about how pathetic the makeshift bed was. Like he'd said on Justin's arrival, Justin wasn't a hobo. He shouldn't have to sleep on the floor like he was one. Alex couldn't fix it now, not unless he offered to sleep on the floor instead, but Justin didn't deserve that much kindness._

_"Fuck you Standall," Justin responded defensively and shoved his cold hands into his pockets._

_"Yeah. Sure," Alex rolled his eyes and hesitantly removed his shirt, clumsily rushing to get his other shirt on in fear that Justin's eyes were still on him._

_They were, but Justin didn't want Alex to know that. Justin sniffled, rubbed his eyes and finally pried his eyes away from the interesting boy. Alex was very hot and cold with him but he didn't mind, Justin could imagine he'd been the same with Alex recently too. The tapes had everyone on edge and sometimes when people were scared they did crazy shit. After a moment of thought Justin changed into some casual clothes to sleep in, only some sweatpants because he rarely wore a top to bed. It shouldn't bother Alex anyway and Justin lazily threw his bag to the side of the room. When he glanced to see what Alex was doing he couldn't help the smirk that spread across his lips._

_"Stop staring at me Standall," he teased, repeating what Alex had said before. His usual smirk was spread across his face and that only made Alex more annoyed with him, though he wasn't really annoyed._

_"Fuck you Foley," Alex said with a roll of his eyes, trying to suppress the smile coming to his own lips._

_The two boys locked eyes, blue met blue, and finally that rare smile came to Alex's lips. Alex sometimes smiled but never like this. Justin had never seen him with this glint of happiness in his eye and his smile reaching his eyes, it was quite.... beautiful. The two of them burst into laughter, not sure why they found their interaction funny but it was. After an awful night for Justin, the two unlikely friends managed to laugh and forget about everything for a couple of seconds. The happiness was short lived, much like any happiness for the teens at this time, but it was still thought about fondly afterwards._

_Neither boy had felt alone that night. They stayed in a comfortable silence of understanding in their separate blankets, Alex toying with the idea of offering the other half of his bed to Justin. He never made that offer so Justin didn't have the chance to accept, but they still had a blissful night without the troubles of the world._

_The troubles came back in the morning as soon as Justin stepped out of Alex's presence._

•••

Peter shut the locker, taking in a deep breath and sniffling quietly. Of course he was upset about his brother but he couldn't bare to be at the hospital anymore. Their mom was crying and their dad was being his usual self, pretending to care because he knew as a father he was supposed to. The problem with their dad was that he did what he thought was necessary but he probably didn't mean any of it, or maybe he did but he didn't show it. Peter was trying not to blame his dad for what happened to Alex because Peter got along with their dad just fine, but he could imagine their dad had a part to play in Alex's decision. Maybe he did too, Peter doubted Alex would want to see either of them when he woke up.

In an attempt to make his brother better, Peter thought coming to the school would reveal some of Alex's friends. He was half right because he found Justin but he thought there'd be more. Surely his brother wasn't completely alone, his dad said he was friends with a couple of guys on the sports team. Justin was one of them, but where were the others?

"Alex would want you there," Peter said, very naively.

Justin let out a laugh and almost scoffed. His laugh was full of anything but humour and he regretted laughing soon after he did it because it only caused himself more pain as tears filled his eyes. "Yeah. I don't think he would," Justin told the brother honestly.

Deciding that Justin's reaction was swayed by sadness and guilt, Peter shook his head to disagree. "He might not wake up for a while but- but I think he'd want you there. You're the only friend we've actually met," he paused. "Fuck, he needs _someone_ ," the man was growing impatient because he felt awful. There was nothing he could do to save his brother from his own mind or from his wounds, he'd never been close to Alex anyway, and there was nothing his parents could say or do either. The family all knew it too, standing in a deafening silence as they didn't know what to say to the unconscious Alex or each other. "Come now if you want," Peter offered, starting to walk away from the locker and towards the exit. Justin followed, though he wasn't sure why.

Alex's _someone_ could be anyone. Jessica, Clay and Zach were all worthy candidates for friends that Alex could rely on and talk to. Justin didn't deserve a friend like Alex, he'd already failed him as a friend. If Alex wanted to talk then Justin would have always been there to listen but he couldn't promise he'd have a worthy response. And, like Seth said, he wasn't good for anyone. Justin could remember Seth's exact words and he could almost feel his strong hands choking him too.

_"You are no fucking good for anybody, you hear me?"_

"Are you coming or what?" Peter asked as he opened the driver's car door. Justin had stopped a metre away from the car as though he was afraid to get in.

This was the decision that Justin didn't want to make. His feet had carried him to the car but now he wasn't getting in, his mind was telling him there was no point in making this worse by visiting Alex in hospital. Peter's expectant and pleading eyes did make Justin feel inclined to go but the gun in his bag continued to feel like a saving grace. Justin thought it was the only way out because he was more scared to live than he was to die. He was going to end it days ago but the thought of Jessica stopped him, he didn't even have Jessica anymore.

Peter let out an exasperated sigh and got in the car. He looked so impatient that Justin thought he might have given up, but then the passenger side door clicked open and Peter was leaning into Justin's view. "Come on. It beats going back in there," he nodded towards the school. Justin couldn't argue with that so he slung his bag into the backseat and then slid into the passenger's seat. The car ride was as silent as one could expect. Peter tried to make conversation but it was very one sided, the man spoke about the specifics that the nurses and doctors told them as though he thought Justin would care. Justin did care, for the most part, but he couldn't make sense of half of the details anyway.

Justin made sense of one important thing, Alex had the possibility to make a full recovery.

The blonde boy wouldn't be responsive for a while and he might suffer from memory loss but most things couldn't be determined until he woke up. When Alex woke up the hospital could determine how badly his brain was damaged but so far all they knew was that he was stable and his body could recover. His mind might never be the same again but all physical injuries were capable of healing, it was the internal ones in his mind that the family had to worry about.

The car only stopped when rolled into a parking space in the hospital's car park, Justin glancing at the intimidating building with fear in his eyes. Unfortunately he wasn't doing a good job at hiding his emotions.

"It's not as bad as you think," Peter muttered before getting out of the car.

Justin got out too, grabbing his bag that held way more of his belongings than it should have. He didn't have a home after all so his bag contained everything that he couldn't afford to leave behind. Justin followed Peter through the cold, uninviting hospital walls. Alex's brother seemed to have already memorised the route to Alex's room, Justin found himself mapping out the way there too. He didn't know why, he thought this would be a one time visit.

As they slowed to a stop, Justin made eye contact with another man with tired eyes. He immediately recognised him as Alex's father, he was stood outside of the room. Justin didn't dare look into the window of the hospital room in fear of what he would see, but even just seeing Alex's father caused a sob to rise in his throat. He let out a shaky breath, Mr. Standall walking over to him and patting his back. It wasn't the most comforting of actions but it worked and Justin sniffled while wiping his eyes.

"Do you want to see him?" Alex's dad asked.

Justin nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to put a few Justin and Alex flashbacks in because they can be a nice break up of the sadness! (: I hope you like it!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin was probably the most unlikely friend out of them all.

Everything inside of Justin's head told him to run. He didn't know if he could face what was behind that door, there was so much he didn't know and so much that he was afraid to find out. His body had other plans for him and his feet began moving into the room despite his negative thoughts. He thought one of the men outside would have came in with him at least, or a nurse, but when the door clicked shut only moments after he entered, he knew that wasn't going to happen. Justin was alone. Well, he wasn't completely alone, but the silence was overwhelming and he was as good as by himself. His eyes had taken far too long to actually rest on the motionless form on the bed but he finally brought himself to do it.

There he was.

Alex fucking Standall.

The thing was, Alex didn't look the same as Justin remembered or anything like he expected. Sure, he didn't expect bright blue eyes and a pink lipped smile, but he thought he'd see something familiar at least.

Truth be told, if it wasn't for the bleach blonde hair poking out from the bandages, or the recognisable cut on the boy's nose from his fight with Montgomery, then Justin wasn't sure he'd have recognised him at all. Unfortunately the boy laying in the bed was exactly who he was expecting; seeing him made the reality of the situation ten times worse even if how different he looked made Justin want to believe this wasn't Alex. It was, the painful reality was that this was Alex Standall and Justin didn't know why he felt so guilty about it.

Justin felt stupid for hoping he'd enter the room and receive a snarky comment or witty remark. He had silently wished for Alex to insult him about the state he was in, perhaps say something alone the lines of 'you look like shit'. Justin did look like shit with his red eyes, dark circles around them and tear stained cheeks but he didn't receive anything. As strange as the thought was, he'd have given anything to have Alex insult him right then or even give him that disapproving look he often had. Alex always used to have a look of disapproval in his eye, a look that Justin failed, yet tried, to change.

•••

_"You're a funny guy Standall."_

_"No, you're funny Justin. With the 'let's end the little bastard', what is that about?" Alex asked with an incredulous tone_ _. He couldn't believe him. What did Justin expect? Alex didn't care what happened to himself anymore, he had already riled up Montgomery to beat him up for no reason, so having Justin do something wasn't exactly a worry of his. Alex didn't know why he wanted that fight to happen, he just wanted to be punished for what he did. Justin couldn't expect him to just sit on his ass and let him terrorise Clay. In another life maybe Clay would be dating Hannah, Alex would be dating Jess and they'd be going on cliche double dates as best friends. It was bittersweet to think about, so very cliche, but he really wished it was a reality because anything would be better than the life he had now._

_"It's about protecting ourselves," Justin argued, but he didn't really know why he cared so much. The only thing he was protecting himself from was losing Jess but he felt like he'd already lost her._

_That's funny, Alex thought. 'Protecting ourselves', he thought._

_"From what?"_

_"From Hannah's lies!"_

_"Did she lie? 'Cause I'm really not sure," Alex paused, his eyes not once leaving the blue ones staring at him. He pushed himself up from his seat despite the pain in his stomach and he started walking towards the door. Zach was stood watching the interaction but he wasn't going to step in, he actually agreed with most of what Alex was saying but felt like he'd be betraying Justin to speak on Alex's side._

_It was the eyes. Alex was looking at Justin with disapproving eyes that held disappointment. Alex had truthfully expected better from him, or at least hoped for better. Justin was a damaged, practically homeless, lonely jock but it didn't mean he couldn't do the right thing. Alex wanted Justin to do the right thing but Justin wasn't in a rush to lose the only thing he had left - Jess. Justin had already started losing her at this point but Alex couldn't find any pity inside him._

_"Because she told the truth about me," he admitted as he reached Justin's eye level, stood rather close to him where he turned to face Justin again on his way to the door. They stood for a few moments, staring at each other intensely, but the eye contact broke when Alex felt a pain shoot through his stomach. The stress of the situation had been making it worse and as a reflex his arm covered and pressed on his stomach, it didn't help but he sometimes tricked himself into thinking it did._

_The blonde had compassion, he felt bad that even Zach was distancing himself from Justin, but it was the boy's own fault. Alex would have had a lot more respect for him if he just told the truth._

_All of his thoughts were clouded by the pain in his side but he tried to push through it and leave the room. Jess hadn't stood up to fuss over him this time and he knew he wouldn't get help from either of the boys in the room, especially Justin. It did surprise him when Justin took a slightly awkward and hesitant step closer. It wasn't to intimidate, more just to do the plain purpose of a step - to get closer._

_"Don't you have some fucking medication or some shit?" Justin asked, the anger in his voice not disappearing but with Alex trying to focus on anything but the pain he did hear a hint of concern. Justin Foley concerned about him? That was almost laughable. Alex definitely wouldn't be holding his breath for the day Justin decided he cared about him._

_Justin was probably the most unlikely friend out of them all._

_Alex pushed through the pain and shook his head at Justin's question. He turned, eyes locking with Zach's chocolate brown ones, and he left. Zach followed to give Jessica and Justin some alone time, as much as just wanting to make sure Alex didn't collapse from his stomach pain._

•••

The room was eerily quiet besides the hum of a monitor and the beep of a machine. He couldn't even hear Alex breathing, the only thing that resembled life on Alex's thin frame and pale face was the slight twitching of his eyelids that caused his eyelashes to move. It was by no means from a peaceful sleep or a dream he was having, the slight twitch was happening as nothing more than the body's response to everything it had gone through. Justin would have liked to kid himself some more about the severity of the situation, but even he wasn't stupid enough to lessen the extremity in his own mind because the truth was overpowering and painful no matter how much he wanted it to be different.

If this could all be a nightmare then that would be a miracle, but Justin had never really believed in miracles. A sob escaped his lips and he raised his hand to his face to wipe under his nose. Sometime between entering the room and now he'd started to cry again, the sort of ugly crying he could only associate with the time Seth choked him against the wall. There was nothing beautiful about cheeks wet with tears or eyes red from pain.

"Fuck you Alex," Justin managed to pathetically push past his lips, his hands starting to shake a little after he'd spoken. Part of him was worried Alex heard him and part of him hoped he had. Even Justin didn't know why he said it, he couldn't determine in his own flooded head whether it was 'fuck you for trying to kill yourself' or just 'fuck you for making me feel like this'. That was another thought too strenuous for this time, a thought he didn't want to come back to anytime soon.

His fear that Alex heard him made him speak again. If these were the last words he'd ever say to the bleach blonde then he wanted them to be nicer than that. He didn't know what someone's last words were supposed to be to someone else, and then he wondered what Alex's last words were before he pulled the trigger. Who was the last person he spoke to? The last person he messaged? His last thought...

"I don't fucking know what I'm supposed to say."

Well, that was obvious. It was pathetic too, or at least Justin thought so. He put a hand on the bag strap that rested uncomfortably heavily on his shoulder and managed to slip it off and onto the floor. The lessened physical weight on his shoulders didn't mean the emotional one had eased at all, he still felt the guilt and the pain. This was different from Hannah, this was so much different. Of course Justin felt it when Hannah's suicide was announced and he'd felt worse when he listened to the tapes but he hadn't spoken to Hannah for months before she killed herself. Hannah wasn't a friend. Fuck, Alex wasn't a friend either, but why did seeing Alex here feel so much worse?

"I know why you did it," he tried to speak again but his words fell short and his ideas of what to say left his head. He was cut off by his own sob too, this one more of a whimper. 

To make his last words to Alex, and maybe anyone, poetic would be far too fake but to make them personal would be even weirder. Justin was assuming that Alex's reasons for taking a gun to the head were similar to his own reasons. The tapes, being alone, losing Jess... it was all some twisted way of making them similar to each other. Alex was a lot of what Justin wished he could be but even Alex had demons he couldn't face.

Even the people as pure as Alex found it difficult to face the world sometimes and Hannah's death had pushed him too far. "Fuck," Justin exclaimed when he couldn't think of what to say. He felt like he owed Alex some sort of heartfelt speech, a moment that only Justin would probably remember, but he just couldn't think of anything worthy to say. Alex deserved something amazing and Justin couldn't give him that. He kicked his bag to release some of his anger at himself but it only resulted in more pain and another sob.

At this point someone opened the door, believing Justin would be better off in company and not alone. "Hello," the voice was careful but practised, leaving Justin wondering how many other cases like this the person had dealt with. "Are you his-" the woman faltered, she was clearly waiting for Justin to confirm his relationship with Alex. She had assumed there was a word suitable to describe what Alex and Justin were, unfortunately Justin didn't really know what word would be accurate.

For lack of a better word, Justin went with what people would be assuming. "Friend," he said shortly, sucking in a deep breath through his nose.

"Right. Friend," the nurse sounded satisfied and accomplished to have learnt the answer to her question but Justin didn't appreciate her sympathetic tone. He didn't want sympathy or pity because he was just as guilty for this as he was for Hannah's, it was just different reasons.

Justin wasn't going to take comfort from someone he didn't know or who didn't know him. As much as he wanted a friend, one to stop him from doing what Alex had failed to do, he wasn't going to let that friend be a random nurse who was only doing her job. Perhaps he missed his friends, even Bryce, but all of his friendships seemed to be over now. 

The only person that had been there for him recently was Alex and now the boy was laying motionless in a hospital bed. Justin felt stupid for having to ask but there was a question he couldn't hold back anymore. "Is he going to be okay?" he asked, though he wasn't sure if he even wanted the answer to that.

The nurse pursed her lips and tried to find the words to say, dealing with different people meant different ways of giving news. "Your _friend_ is currently stable."

Justin spared the woman a glance, his eyes otherwise having been staring at Alex intently. Why did she say 'friend' like that? Had she sensed his own uncertainty when he said it?

"His mental state is uncertain, we shall know how much he remembers and does not remember when he wakes up. There will certainly be some degree of memory loss though we are hoping the memory will be able to recover over time," she paused and her own eyes looked over at the boy in the bed. The woman was probably in her late twenties though she looked older because of the stress lines on her forehead. She had somewhat dark circles under her soft green eyes, nothing compared to Justin's, and dirty-blonde hair pulled up into a pony tail. "His physical injuries will heal, though it will take some time for him to return completely to his physical state. Certain things, such as walking, may take time to completely return because of the impact."

So much information was being thrown at Justin, so much that he was afraid to hear more. For all they knew Alex could wake up without any memory, without being able to walk and nothing but confusion and physical pain. Justin could imagine the horror and the struggles, struggles he wouldn't know how to deal with. He was panicking again even if he had been so sure ten minutes ago he was walking out of here to end his life.

"Alex will need all of the people close to him here," the woman said softly, and at some point during Justin's panic she had reached his side. Her hand rested on his arm and it only caused another sob to shake his body. He had reached down for his bag to put over his shoulder and bolt out of the door but the woman was stood in his way and she was acting willing him to stay with the tone of her voice, so he did just that. He stood there and he listened. "He will need his close friends-"

"We're not _close_ ," Justin shot back, but it came out a lot softer and sadder than he intended.

"Alex may not feel the same way, and you are the only friend that has been to visit. I know it means a lot to the family."

Justin scoffed bitterly, shaking his head and flinching back from the woman's hand all of a sudden as though it had burnt him.

Instead of giving up, the woman continued. If Justin hadn't been paying attention then he might have thought she actually cared. "You clearly care about him." Justin took that as more of an accusation. "You can visit as often or as little as you like," she reminded him, but Justin only shook his head again. This was supposed to just be a one time visit but this woman was really fucking convincing.

Of course Alex would need friends, just not him. Alex would be better off without him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like it! The next chapter will move time along a little bit more so that Alex's progression comes through, I just thought it was important for Justin's reaction when he first sees him. (:


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex wasn't gone, he couldn't be, his Alex was in there somewhere and he just needed to wake up to prove it.

Justin couldn't bare the thought of leaving Alex alone. It might have just been his guilt, or his rocky friendship with the boy, but that didn't matter because he decided to stay, and that was all that mattered right now.

The term _stay_ was not given a definite meaning and had an indefinite amount of time attached to it, Justin was in no rush to promise his time or life to this boy by any means, but he knew that he didn't have any other choice right now than to stay.

Time, Justin thought. It was just a small amount of time.

It was only a matter of time before someone better came along, a real friend of Alex's. They would relieve Justin of his nightly duties in the hospital where he sat slumped in the unkind hospital chair, they would visit the bleach blonde boy and promise to be there for him through his recovery, then Justin could leave.

Justin was here for Alex, not for himself. He was sat in this room so that Alex had the company, just in case he woke up.

Right?

He had sat in this room for the last few weeks because he wanted to make sure that if no one else showed up, Alex would have at least one person that wasn't family who cared.

Justin wasn't here because he was painfully alone.

Justin wasn't here because he wanted someone to stop him or give him a reason not to kill himself.

Justin wasn't here because he had nowhere else to go.

Well, maybe he was. Alex was the only person to give him safety when he had no one else. This safety had once been in the boy's bedroom, now it was in his hospital room. He had to admit he much preferred Alex's bedroom because it was warmer and less depressing but he didn't think Alex's room would be the same without hearing the boy tossing and turning amidst the sheets of the bed. He had a lot of time to think as he sat beside Alex's hospital bed, unable to sleep until late into the night because he hoped that if he stayed up long enough then Alex might wake up, he was afraid he'd miss it. He had once had the thought of whether or not Alex's moving in bed that night was from insomnia or his stomach pain. Justin knew Alex hadn't been sleeping but never cared to ask why. He cared, he just didn't ask.

The boy wondered if it was his own begging, a very out of character action, to have persuaded the boy to let him stay that night, or maybe it was just the kindness Alex managed to still have despite the horrible things Justin did in the past. There was one thing that Alex said to him when they woke up that he hadn't forgotten, something that gave him hope he could move on from all of this. Almost all of that hope was gone now but the slight flicker of life inside of Alex Standall was keeping that hope alive. At least he wasn't completely gone, because with _he_ came that hope that things could always get better.

•••

_"Are you awake?" Alex asked as he stared up at his blank ceiling. Sometimes the blankness of the ceiling comforted him, but he could never stare at the nothingness for long before he needed to see the familiar things around his room to stay sane. They were all things of little importance but it was better than nothing. With nothing, the mind wandered and his mind often went to dark places now, never good._

_After what seemed like a long time he concluded that no, Justin was not awake, but then a voice not as full of sleep as he expected replied to him in the darkness. It was still dark enough to suggest night time but light enough to suggest the break of morning peaking through. It was early, very early, but morning none the less. Alex realised he had missed sunrise, but then he found himself not caring anyway._

_"Yeah."_

_"Okay," Alex immediately regretted his stupid response. It was stupid, nothing more or less than that, but he also found himself not caring about that either. Justin didn't call him stupid so he let the thought slip from his mind. Perhaps his anxiety wasn't going to hold onto that thought, or maybe even that part of his brain had stopped caring too._

_"Alex?" Justin asked, just to see if the blonde was paying attention._

_"Yeah?"_

_He was._

_"I just thought- I wanted to, uh," Justin was trying to swallow whatever pride he had left to thank Alex for letting him stay but he couldn't. Hadn't begging to stay here in the first place been enough?_

_Alex thought so, so he nodded into the darkness of the room. Justin couldn't see him from where he lay on the floor but he heard the slight rustle of the pillow to suggest Alex was moving. "It's fine," Alex responded. He wasn't going to see Justin out on the street and he seemed desperate, Alex was actually worried about what Justin would do now that he didn't have Bryce. It wasn't Alex's concern but his mind was making it a concern of his. He sighed quietly but it could be heard loudly in the silent room. "I mean, what you did isn't fine," he said pointedly. "It's fucked up, but you told her. You can't change what you did so at least you owned up," Alex reminded him the painful truth but no venom or hatred seeped into his tone this time, not like Justin expected. He expected nothing other than hatred from the boy who was once in love with Justin's now ex girlfriend. Funny, really. Jessica Davis was now one of both their ex girlfriends. Justin knew they were supposed to be rivalling exes fighting over her but Jessica wouldn't be taking either of them back, they had both hurt her too much and she probably deserved better. Scratch that, she_ did _deserve better._

_That left too broken hearted boys in a bedroom, one on the floor and one on the bed._

_"No shit," Justin shot back sarcastically, but it didn't make the atmosphere too tense at all._

_It seemed they were both tired of fighting but it was Alex's next words, the ones the brunette didn't expect to hear, that relieved Justin to an incomprehensible degree. He didn't really know what being warmed felt like but he could imagine this was it, a slight bubble in your stomach and a warmth of the heart. It shouldn't matter so much but just having one person say it made life not so hopeless for him after all._

_"You're not too bad Foley, I think if you try and do the right fucking thing then you'll actually be able to go back to normal."_

_Normal._   
_Justin would give anything to go back to normal, or whatever normal was. He didn't think he'd ever had this feeling back then though and he quite liked the warmth in his chest and the swelling of his heart._

_You're not too bad Foley._  
Not too bad, _Justin thought. It wasn't much but he decided he'd take that over anything else any day. It was good enough, made ten times better because of the person who said it._

•••

Unfortunately he'd tried to return to a normal life by going to school and keeping his head down, but Alex kind of fucked up any sort of normal like for him when he landed himself in hospital.

Justin had expected to see one of the students at Liberty visit Alex at some point, or maybe Alex's mother would tell him about another friend being there, but that hadn't happened yet. He just wanted to leave this shitty life he had because there was no point anymore. The only _point_ he had was making sure Alex wasn't alone, but no one had come to relieve him of that duty yet even though he was sure they would.

Justin had found Alex's mother to be the most pleasant out of the family, though had to admit he hadn't seen Alex's brother since the first day he visited and there were limited times he saw Alex's father. He only saw the man when he left for school each morning and when he returned from school each afternoon, at which times Mr. Standall came to get an update on Alex's progress before and after work. They passed in the hospital halls but rarely shared words, more a mutual understanding, and Justin was still trying to understand the man. He passed him twice a day, as though they were taking shifts, but Justin felt like the angry boss because Alex's dad always skipped _work_ \- metaphorically, of course. Justin wouldn't call having a roof over his head and listening to the now comforting hums of life-giving machines _work_ , though it all seemed like work and a chore for Mr. Standall. It was like an extra hour was added onto his working day. Justin never bothered to ask how long the man stayed on his day off, but he didn't think he'd like the answer much anyway.

It wasn't his place to judge, it was nice that Alex had a father to visit at all, but if the man thought suitable visiting for his suicidal, possibly permanently damaged, teen was twenty minutes a day then he was wrong.

Differently to the man, Alex's mother seemed to care a lot. Her working hours meant she ended up in the room during the night with Justin sometimes, though not often, and the boy had started not to mind. It had started as Justin waking up in the middle of the night while the woman was there but they didn't speak, and he'd fall back to sleep and wake up to her not being there in the morning. Eventually the silence was filled with the woman asking about normal things, the long wait for Alex to just open his eyes was getting a lot to deal with and silence was making it worse for her. Justin had also assumed his presence was a reminder of her son, someone his age at least, and she liked to hear about homework and school because it was something she couldn't ask her own son about anymore.

A parent that cared wasn't a normality for Justin, the woman could see that with the bruises around his neck and the fact he spent all night in the hospital, but he tried his best to be normal with her just like she tried her best not to ask. Justin preferred silence with strangers, especially because he was shit with comforting people and all too often this woman started crying, but the conversation calmed her so he thought he might be helping. Their conversations were short and not at all personal, never about Alex, until one day the woman finally mentioned her son instead of the usual talk of school or the news.

"I used to hate his blonde hair," the woman admitted, she sounded like she felt guilty for it. "I loved him with his brown hair," she laughed drily.

Justin's eyes flickered from his open book where he was writing his homework and up to the woman he'd grown used to having around. He thought it might be something to do with her that the nurses bent the rules for him to stay all night when he wasn't family. He owed her some kind of thanks for that, but she felt that she owed him some kind of thanks for being here the nights no one else was. He gave her his undivided attention, both scared and intrigued by the sudden mention of Alex. She never mentioned him because it was hard to face the reality and talk about the boy they once knew that may never be the same again. Justin went as far as closing his book, the homework wasn't due in for a while and for some reason he'd been getting really good grades. He thought it might have been to do with the extra sleep he stole while here in the hospital or from how much time he had to sit and do homework.

When Justin didn't say anything, the woman continued. "His dad was appalled, he hated it, but I sometimes think he liked it more than me," another dry laugh escaped her cracked lips. She reminded Justin of Olivia Baker when she was picking up Hannah's things from her locker, it was a sad sight and a reaction he would never receive from his own mother. His things would stay in his locker until the school threw them out.

"I like it," Justin cleared his throat right after he spoke, realising how hoarse it sounded. He used present tense because nothing had changed from before the accident and now, it was the same blonde hair and hopefully the same boy.

"Well, it grew on me," Mrs. Standall brought a hand up to wipe a tear from her eye before it reached her cheek. "Justin," she sounded so serious that Justin swallowed harshly, very afraid of what question or statement might follow. "Did he ever tell you anything about us? How it might have been our fault?"

There it was.

Justin wished he could tell her but it seemed the Bakers didn't want to release the tapes after all, not publicly. A lot had happened since Alex shot himself and Mr. Porter received the tapes, a lot of good and bad.

Mr. Porter wrote down the names of the people on the tapes for counselling, though not from himself, and he left to get proper training because even he had to admit how under qualified he was. Two teens attempted to commit suicide during his time working at the high school and one of them succeeded, leaving him a personal message to tell him he was responsible. Luckily for him the tapes weren't released, not yet anyway, and the only tape that had reached the public was Bryce's.

Justin, somehow, was kept out of it. He assumed he had Jessica and her soft chocolate eyes and even softer heart to thank for that, only Bryce being formally punished for Hannah's suicide and the crime he committed. He would definitely go down for it, a taped confession was hard to get out of.

Even though he wanted to rise from his chair and leave, he didn't want to leave Alex and he wanted to give the woman the answers she craved. "He didn't speak much about anything or maybe I'd have realised he..." his voice trailed off, guilt seeping into his face no matter how hard he tried to keep those expressions away.

"It's okay," the woman assured, feeling worse that she brought those thoughts to the surface.

"He spoke about you once, the night I stayed over," Justin decided that was a better story to tell rather than the one about Alex feeling guilty about a girl's suicide. "He told me you cook and about work stuff." Justin couldn't lie about what he knew, he wasn't going to say 'he loved you' or something because that sounded like closure or reassurance after a death, but he could at least tell the truth. Sometimes the truth was a harder pill to swallow but this time it was actually easing the woman. He could tell she was waiting for him to continue, so he did. "My mom doesn't cook," he tried not to sound bitter, he really really tried. "And my dad's not around, so I asked who cooked the food I ate. He said you cook and his dad grills. Alex always wanted- uh, _wants_ to try everything once," he almost cursed at himself for the slip up. Alex wasn't gone, he couldn't be, his Alex was in there somewhere and he just needed to wake up to prove it. Shaking off his mistake, he carried on. "He was working through Monet's recipe of drinks at one point, hasn't finished it yet though, but he said he didn't care about repeating food with your cooking," Justin sniffed but refused to cry. He hadn't spoke about Alex this long ever, not even before he did _this_ , and it was harder than he thought it would be. He'd tried to convince himself he didn't care about Alex as much as he did but it was breaking him everyday that Alex didn't wake up and no one visited. He hated every damn person at that fucking school for not visiting, Alex deserved all of the friends in the world. "He said your pasta was his favourite."

Justin was sure he could hear the woman crying but he didn't look at her, his eyes were stuck on the broken boy laying in the bed. He watched Alex a lot because sometimes he hoped the more he looked the more likely Alex's eyes were to open, he knew it was stupid but the thought was sometimes comforting. Alex's mom stared at Alex too, maybe she had the same idea.

"I used to make pasta when he wasn't feeling well," the woman finally responded and her voice was confirmation enough that she was crying. She shook her head and wiped her wet cheeks where the tears were rolling down. It was around the time that she left, maybe ten minutes earlier, so she stood and brushed off some nonexistent dust from her clothes. The woman was on the opposite side of the bed holding Alex's hand, though she let go of her son's hand after a small squeeze and picked up her handbag. "I will see you soon," it was almost a promise. Mrs. Standall walked around the bed and placed a hand on Justin's shoulder, squeezing it softly. It was the first time she'd done that but Justin didn't hate it, he glanced at her hand and then up at her apologetic eyes. His own blue eyes were glistening with tears and he noticed Alex had his mother's eyes, but Alex's seemed brighter than hers.

"Goodnight Mrs. Standall," Justin replied automatically, looking back down at the boy in the bed. He would go to sleep now, hopefully sleep would be kind to him and allow him to forget how painful all of this was.

"Goodnight Justin."

><

Justin woke up to light from the window shining in through the gap in the curtains. It was behind him but the light shining in was enough to wake him anyway, or maybe it was his body reminding him it was almost time for school. He sighed quietly and checked the time, the numbers on the screen of his old phone confirming it was almost time to leave. No messages, which was no surprise.

The memory of his conversation the night before with Alex's mom was fresh in his mind. It was sad and also scary because the conversation had revealed how much attention he actually paid to the blonde boy. He knew more about him than he originally thought and he was starting to believe he cared more than he'd even admitted to himself. Justin knew he cared about Alex but just how much did he care?

"I'll be back later," Justin promised to the silent room. He was promising Alex that he'd return without knowing if Alex could hear him or not, he hoped he did. Justin said those same words every time he left in the morning. The day he didn't say it was the day that he was taking himself out of this cruel world and this impossible equation.

The boy left the room, bag over his shoulder, and walked out of the hospital. He didn't see Alex's dad because he was leaving earlier than usual but he was hoping he'd be able to have a shower if he got to school early enough. He showered and changed at school, sometimes washing his clothes there too, and he slept at the hospital. Food didn't happen too often and he could tell he was thinning out. There was a particular nurse that was in everyday apart from Friday and Monday for the night shift that gave him food. He wasn't sure if this was also Mrs. Standall's doing or just the nurse's own kindness; he knew the nurses pitied him for being there so often. He didn't care what they thought of the state he was in, they could think what they wanted.

"Justin?"

Justin tensed.

Someone else was here, someone else was visiting Alex, or they were outside of the hospital on their way in at least. He hated to admit this voice was familiar.

Fuck.

Was this it? Was this the 'sign'? Was today the day?

Justin had already promised to go back to Alex later today, he wouldn't break anymore promises, so today couldn't be _the_ day. Perhaps today was his last day alive.

The voice belonged to a boy from school, a boy that Alex deserved the friendship of and a boy that could be a good friend. He could be so much better than Justin.

Finally someone had showed up at the hospital, even if they weren't technically in Alex's room yet and it had taken them weeks to actually come. Was it wrong that Justin wished no one turned up? His eyes watered, he was allowing them to because he knew the boy couldn't see him as they were stood behind him, and he silently wished that this never happened. It was selfish, it was really fucking selfish. That was all Justin was.

Selfish.

_Turn around_ , he wordlessly wished for the boy to do. _Turn the fuck around and walk away because you haven't fucking been here for weeks and now you want to pretend you're his friend? Fuck you, Clay Jensen. Fuck you_ , he thought.

But really? He was _really_ just thinking about how much he didn't want to leave Alex Standall. Again, selfish, but true all the same. It was selfish for him to hold onto Alex because the boy would probably be better off without him. Justin was really only using it as an excuse not to attempt what Alex had attempted weeks ago. Justin wouldn't fail like Alex did, but maybe that's what made it scarier.

In a way it was a relief that Alex had other friends because Justin knew he wasn't good enough to give Alex all of the support he needed, even if he would try his best. The selfish part of him was saying to stick around regardless, or at least Justin had labelled that side of him selfish when that was actually the most selfless.

It was more selfish to want to end it all and leave Alex behind but Justin couldn't see that, he could just see how much better Alex's life would be if he wasn't in it. Justin thought that being selfish was being a burden on the Standall family and Alex himself, being selfish was staying on this Earth to cause more people pain than he already had. Justin had hoped Clay would leave because he really didn't want to have this conversation right now, but Clay had always been fucking inquisitive and liked getting into people's business. Justin couldn't find the energy to turn around but Clay's almost laughable question might have just been enough to make him face the boy, not to mention it might have been enough to change his mind. Leaving Alex Standall's room empty each night wasn't what he wanted, but he also didn't want to feel this lonely anymore. Maybe Hannah had been right, loneliness really was the worst feeling in the world.

"Were you visiting Alex?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be more of Alex in the next chapter and not just in flashbacks! <3 Thank you everyone for the comments, I really appreciate them, thank you so much for reading. I hope you like it!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin Foley had learnt over the past few weeks that silence was a scary thing, but one thing that was forever more frightening than silence was being alone. Loneliness and guilt had almost killed Alex Standall and Justin kept thinking how weird it felt to have those very same reasons for wanting to end it too.

"Were you visiting Alex?"

"Fucking _visiting_?"

Justin didn't know what came over him, but all prior exhaustion and sadness was replaced by irritation. He didn't know if it was a good idea to admit how many times he'd visited, but in his tired and irritated state he couldn't think of a better way to make Clay feel guilty. He deserved to feel guilty, right? Clay was supposed to be the nice guy at school yet while one of his fellow 'nice guys' laid alone in a hospital bed, he hadn't even come and fucking visited. Alex obviously needed a friend or something, otherwise he wouldn't have pressed down on that unlawful trigger.

Luckily for Clay's conscience, Alex hadn't been completely alone. Justin sat with him every night, willing him to wake up, but that didn't change the fact Clay didn't even come to make sure that Alex wasn't alone.

"I've been here every fucking day," Justin admitted, eyes burning through Clay as he stared at him with such anguish that it was hard to ignore. He couldn't believe that Clay had the nerve to act so casual about all of this, but it was possible that he was overreacting and swayed by feelings he wouldn't admit.

A strong guilt came to Clay's features, he couldn't miss the pure pain in Justin's eyes, even if it confused him a lot. He didn't remember Justin ever being this close to Alex and he didn't think he'd get this kind of reaction, but he deserved it. Hell, if Justin punched him right now he wouldn't care because he deserved it. Throughout the havoc and chaos that Hannah's tapes created, Alex and Clay had many conversations. Alex even tried to soften whatever the others planned to do to him, he was a good guy even if he didn't know that himself. He was so much better than most of the people on those tapes, Justin included.

For all Justin knew, Clay might have been oblivious to all of Alex's attempted protection. Unfortunately, for Clay, that didn't change the fact Alex was the only one showing him support and kindness, despite the backlash he could have gotten if the others found out. _The others_ at the time would have included Justin, and Justin silently hated himself more for being one of the causes of Alex's pain and fear. Alex really was one of the good guys in a group of bad ones. Having power at school wasn't always a good thing, but Justin had always preferred power through fear over being taunted for his lack of money and importance. He hated that he missed how things used to be, beautiful girl on his arm and a powerful, unstoppable best friend at his side. Bryce was never bad to Justin. Was it unforgivable that he missed the guy sometimes? Justin didn't necessarily miss the intimidating and cruel being himself, just the pool house that became his home and the place to go when there was no where else.

Alex's bedroom was the only other place he felt safe, but he was wondering now if he felt safe because of the boy in the room with him or the room itself. The hospital room felt just as safe, safer than it should, so Justin's subconscious told him it was something more to do with the blonde boy than the actual location.

"D'you know how many people have been? To visit?" Justin asked, he couldn't stay in the uncomfortable silence any longer so he raised his eyebrows expectantly. Just like he expected, Clay wordlessly shook his head. "No one, no one's fucking visited so fuck you."

"I'm sorry," Clay managed to say, eyes full of regret but also confusion. He wasn't sure if he was apologising to Justin or Alex, probably both. "I just thought that, uh, that Jess would come or-"

"No. No one has."

"Oh."

"Yeah, fucking 'oh' alright," Justin rolled his eyes and fixed the heavy strap of his bag that was over his shoulder. He wasn't planning on making the hospital room a permanent home; he thought it would become too definite if he started leaving his things in there, so he lugged all of his belongings around all day. The bag was heavy, almost as heavy as the emotional darkness hanging over his head. Almost. It made him wonder if this was how Alex felt before he pulled the trigger, because being alone was a constant and scary thing, so if this was the fear that Alex felt then Justin felt even more guilty for not being there. They were supposed to be friends, or at least they posed as friends at school and parties. Justin saw now just how much of a bad friend he'd been, especially in the times Alex needed someone the most.

Justin Foley had learnt over the past few weeks that silence was a scary thing, but one thing that was forever more frightening than silence was being alone. Loneliness and guilt had almost killed Alex Standall and Justin kept thinking how weird it felt to have those very same reasons for wanting to end it too.

"Is he awake? Is he alright?"

Justin could have laughed at Clay's words, but it wasn't a laughing matter. If Clay had bothered to walk inside of that building and taken a look at Alex then he'd know the answer to the first question, and the second? Wasn't the answer to that obvious?

Of course he wasn't  _alright_ , he tried to fucking kill himself. He shot himself in the _fucking head_.

The two brunettes might be similar in hair colour but not at all in personality. They were completely different, morals and all, but they did have one vital and important thing in common. They both had someone they care about, or cared about, that tried to kill themselves. The difference was that Clay loved Hannah and Justin didn't love Alex, but at least they both cared about Alex in a friendship kind of way. Justin's care was clearly greater, Clay couldn't argue that, but they were both here weren't they?

That had to count for something.

"He hasn't woken up yet," Justin was civil, but not because he felt any sympathy for Clay, he was just exhausted. Arguing with Clay Jensen would only make him more tired so he went for a more civilised approach. The hospital granted him safety and warmth but it didn't exactly allow him much sleep, if the worry wasn't enough to keep him awake then the itching of his skin from not smoking or drinking in so long was.

"Then why do you visit everyday?" Clay might be missing something, but Alex and Justin never seemed to be that close. He was as clueless as ever, something he always felt, but he'd take clueless over guilty any day.

"Just in case he wakes up you fucking idiot. I don't see any of his other friends lining up to be here," he sighed tiredly and bounced his foot a little to give himself something to focus on. It wasn't like Clay really cared that much. Justin had good reason to believe that Clay had arrived here out of guilt for not being able to save Hannah, not because he really cared about Alex. This was not Clay's guilt to feel, not really. They all had the guilt of Hannah's death hanging over them but at least Alex had a fighting chance of living. Justin believed this was Clay's way at a second chance at what he didn't get with Hannah, a selfish way of earning redemption and giving himself peace of mind, but Justin could empathise with the yearning for a clear conscience.

The problem was that Clay didn't care _enough_ about Alex, Justin came to that conclusion at the least. Maybe, after all this, Justin couldn't leave this cruel world yet because there was a bleach blonde haired boy in that hospital bed that needed him just as much as the brunette needed him.

"Why hasn't Jess been?" Clay asked, looking back down at his feet with shame. Once again he'd broken Justin's train of thought, and this was the longest conversation Justin had had with someone other than Alex's mom in a while.

So many questions, Justin thought, too many fucking questions. "Why do you fucking think, Jensen?" Justin snapped, growing impatient. Justin couldn't imagine there was any other reason besides her dealing with Bryce and the court case against him. If she decided not to come out of selfishness or fear then Justin would be really surprised, he knew that Jessica would always care about Alex. It was more than likely something to do with her dad too, the last Justin had heard was that he wanted to ship her off somewhere else to be away from everyone. She made it very clear the last time she spoke to Justin that she didn't want to see him ever again; all Justin could do was grant her wish. It was for that reason he didn't what she was up to or her whereabouts.

The person that Justin did wonder about though, was Zach Dempsey. Zach was distraught over what happened, he was crying like Alex was dead and not just dead inside, and yet he hadn't come to visit. Justin thought within a few days Zach would turn up and he'd be relieved of his duties, but that never happened. No one knew that Justin stayed there every night, no one apart from Clay as of now, so why didn't they come?

The past few weeks Justin didn't have much contact with anyone at school, that's how he liked it. He still heard what was happening from the overly chatty Montgomery in class because that guy didn't know when to shut up, but he only shrugged when people spoke to him because he didn't want any conversation. The only conversation he wanted was with the unconscious blonde boy in hospital, not any of the meaningless people at school. Alex might have been insufferable sometimes but Justin would kill for one of his witty remarks right about now.

"Are you going in or what?" Justin asked, shoving his hands into his varsity jacket pockets and harshly biting his bottom lip to stop himself from resorting to his old intimidating ways. He wasn't Bryce's lapdog anymore, he didn't need to impress him so he had a place to stay. Justin had a place to stay, even if his bed was now a chair and his bedroom was now a hospital room.

"Uh- I wasn't-" Clay paused with a shake of his head, acting like Justin had misunderstood why he was here "-I just wanted to-"

"Whatever," Justin put Clay out of his misery because clearly he wasn't here to actually see Alex, he just wanted to put his mind at rest and he didn't want to say that out loud. "They said they don't know how bad it all is, not 'til he wakes up."

Justin turned to start walking to school; there was no point standing here if Clay wasn't even going to go inside. Clay had only come because he felt like he had to, not because he wanted to. 

Checking his phone for the time, Justin cursed under his breath. It was too late to shower now, he'd have to shower after school instead. It bothered him because Alex would be alone for longer and at any moment his piercing blue eyes could open. No matter what coldness they held towards him, Justin wanted his own blue eyes to meet blue. He would end up with more to feel guilty about if Alex woke up to an empty room. Alex felt lonely enough before it happened, he didn't need to feel like that after. And yes, beyond popular belief, Justin Foley had a heart... especially when it came to Alex Standall.

He thought he'd be making the familiar journey to school from the hospital alone, but he heard the wheels of a bike being pulled along beside him, and Clay was the one pushing it. He didn't want Clay's company but it was probably better than being alone. The sound of the wheels going over uneven pavement made him think less about everything. Thinking made him soft and weak, thinking made his mind wander to memories he'd much rather forget and thinking made him want to stop thinking. Forever.

That morning Justin walked to school with a new purpose. He was determined to stay alive, no matter how much it pained him, because there might be someone in this world that still wanted or needed him. He wouldn't know if that was a fact or a lost wish until Alex's eyes opened, but Justin was willing to wait. He'd waited weeks already, what were a few more?

><

A hand caught the sleeve of his jacket, the fabric easy to grab because of how much weight he was losing due to his lack of food. Sometimes the nurses left him stuff from vending machines, and sometimes Mrs. Standall brought food, but more often than not he missed out on at least two of the needed three meals a day. The football team had eventually been too hard to keep up with because he didn't have the energy or the passion to do it anymore. He had felt like quitting for a long time but merely a week after receiving the news about Alex, the coach kicked him off the team. He gave some excuse about Justin's heart not being in it, which was probably true.

"Hey, Justin, where are you going?" the familiar voice asked.

It was the first time Justin had heard that voice directed at him in a while. "Home," Justin lied weakly, refusing to meet his _friend's_ eyes.

Zach didn't believe that for a second, and he was starting to wonder if Justin was still mad at him for not answering his calls those weeks ago. Usually he helped his friend when he was in need, but after everything on the tapes he slowly stopped wanting to help. Now he wanted to, but Justin didn't want it. "Uh- do you need somewhere to stay? I mean-"

"No."

"Right."

"Right."

Justin shook Zach's hand off of his arm harshly, straightening out his jacket and licking his top teeth. "Come on, man, at least come over for dinner," Zach offered, because he really did care about Justin even if his actions hadn't reflected that over the past few weeks. He could have made an effort to talk to Justin sooner but with everything going on it didn't seem right.

The dark circles under his bloodshot eyes and his thinning frame was enough to show he wasn't _fine_ , or _okay_ , but Justin didn't want anyone to pity him. "Fuck off, Dempsey, I got my own place to go. Alright?"

"Right," Zach said shortly, and he considered giving up, but there was one last thing on his mind. "Clay told me you've been to see Alex."

 _Yeah, did he tell you the 'everyday' part?_ Justin thought, but rolled his eyes instead of speaking. He nodded once, expecting the question that everyone would ask if they knew he'd seen Alex and Alex's family.

"How's he doing?"

There it was. And, quite frankly, Justin didn't have the energy to go into detail. "Why don't you visit and fucking find out?" Justin spat, turning around and continuing his walk to where he was originally going. There was no escaping that he needed a shower, so with the halls empty and it the end of the day he was sure he'd be safe having a shower. Word would get out soon about his visits to Alex. One way or another the rumour would spread, almost as fast as that damned photo of Hannah Baker spread, but Justin was past the point of caring now. So what if he visited Alex? It was more than anyone else was doing.

Justin reached forwards and switched the showers on, peeling off his jacket and clothes before he stood beneath the water. It wasn't as hot as he would have liked, but Justin was never one for luxuries. He received glimpses of the luxurious life when staying with Bryce, that was all, and it hadn't been all it was cut out to be. He ran a hand through his brown hair as it flopped down under the pressure of the water.

His eyes closed and he tried to wash away all of the feelings inside. At least here he could try and drown his thoughts, the noise of the water and pressure made them muffled at least. The peace from his mind didn't last long before he stepped out of the water and got ready to go. Drying off and pulling his clothes on took way more effort than it should, but he did it quickly so he could be at the hospital as soon as possible.

All he could hope was that Alex hadn't woken up to an empty room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a while to update but I hope you all like it! Thank you for all of the comments, the comments mean so much! <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At 4:23 on Thursday afternoon...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much everyone for your patience! I will try my best to update but I have exams over the next month, so there might be some gaps between my replies! I hope you all understand. (:

Justin didn't get the pleasure of blue eyes greeting him, all he got was the daunting, white walls and the uncomfortable chair. For some reason he thought that Alex was going to wake up that day, he had that feeling because he was late arriving at the hospital and thought Alex would wake up and he wouldn't be there. No such thing happened. It was both a blessing and a disappointment at the same time.

That night, Justin finished his homework and laid back in the chair. The spare blanket one of the nurses draped over him one night still remained and he assumed they were getting used to him being there because of their growing kindnesses. The blanket was soft and warm instead of itchy and scratchy like one would expect a hospital blanket to be, but Justin found it hard to be grateful for anything when the only thing he really wanted was for Alex to wake up. He had been told countless times by countless doctors and nurses that when he woke he might not be anything like he used to be, but Justin didn't care. He wanted Alex, no matter what version of Alex he got.

Over the course of the next few days he came back to the hospital and noticed it was filling up. More items littered the bedside table and a blanket he vaguely recognised from Alex's bed at home was now draped over the hospital bed. It looked like Alex's parents had started to bring his bedroom to the hospital, perhaps a way to make him feel less intimidated when he woke up.

The cards that were accumulating made Justin feel sick. The stupid bears and the stupid balloons with _thinking of you_ and _get well soon_ printed effortlessly onto the card made him want to tear them up and rip them down. Surely the doctors weren't as stupid as to let these cards be staring Alex in the face when he woke up, and bringing Alex's things from home might not be a good idea either. The amount of things had been slowly building since Alex first arrived in the room, but now it was getting ridiculous. Justin wasn't going to pretend he knew Alex more than his parents did and these doctors claimed to, but he did sit in silent disapproval staring at these cards everyday since they arrived. The amount of things grew, but it was still careful not to be overwhelming.

They were preparing for when Alex woke up and Justin was starting to wonder if that would be anytime soon, it sure seemed like it. He wasn't sure where the sudden spurt of cards had come from but he could imagine someone at school had started it and then everyone else followed suit. From what Justin knew about Alex, he thought the blonde would roll his eyes and laugh humorlessly if he saw these cards around the room. Then again, whatever Justin thought he knew would be completely different when Alex woke up.

One day, a day Justin thought would be like any other, an unexpected visitor came while he was sat in his chair doing some school work. He wasn't ashamed to be there and he wasn't leaving anytime soon, but he was definitely not going to get caught up in sympathy or small talk. After Clay had come to the hospital and not dared to go inside, he started to try and find the courage to return. He did, a few days later, and this time actually went into Alex's hospital room. Justin decided it was better to not ask Clay why he hadn't come earlier, or why he hadn't just come up to see Alex properly on the day they talked outside. He thought he knew why Clay avoided the daunting building anyway.

Justin's assumptions weren't too far off, but Clay never voiced them aloud. The reasons why Clay didn't come to see Alex sooner weren't valid or good enough reasons; he knew that. They were lame excuses to hide the simple fact he was scared to see such a nice guy laying broken in a hospital bed. Clay couldn't imagine seeing his face drained of colour and his body clinging to life, because it all came back to Hannah Baker. In a strange, twisted way he would love to see Hannah in the hospital right now because it would mean she was living and breathing. He would never see the girl he loved living and breathing again, so seeing Alex in hospital was not only a reminder of that but a reminder of how he failed to stop the same thing happening again. He'd spent a lot of the past few weeks with the Bakers, helping them with whatever they needed and talking to them about Hannah if they wanted to. Since Tony gave them the tapes a lot of the people on them went to apologise and help in any way they could, but the Bakers didn't force these people to see them nor use all of the tapes in the court case against the school. Clay and Sheri were the two they had the most contact with, as well as Jessica's parents but never the girl herself. It was nice to just get some closure, and some justice on the boy and the man they believed were the final straw of it all. Bryce Walker and Mr. Porter were the most guilty, though maybe that was a matter of opinion. They were the final two tapes and therefore the complete end to their daughter's life. Sometimes the beginning of the end cannot be blamed for that final blow, it was a shame the people on the tapes didn't see that themselves. Especially Alex Standall, who the Bakers hated to hear was in hospital after attempting suicide too.

Clay took the seat that Mrs. Standall usually sat in, though he didn't know that, and sat awkwardly like a nervous child in the waiting room of a dentist. Justin didn't save Clay from the awkwardness, he just stared down at his book and wrote words onto the page. It was clear that Clay was itching to speak, he wanted something to break the tense and saddened silence, but Justin was so used to silence that he wanted the complete opposite.

For Justin it was all _beep beep beep_ and the shuffle of the nurses, but clearly that wasn't satisfactory or comforting for Clay. The chatter outside of the room, too muffled to be coherent but loud enough for a low hum, saved Justin from himself a lot of the time. At least the walls muffled the voices enough to stop the emotion in them seeping through; he couldn't deal with more sadness than he already witnessed everyday.

Justin wasn't mad at Clay for not coming sooner, he was kind of glad the boy turned up at all. Hopefully this meant Clay would come more often. He looked up at the nervous boy, noticing his eyes were on the cards. Again, Justin wasn't one for small talk, but he managed to give Clay a very small, almost nonexistent, smile to show his appreciation. It was also a look of understanding because of least someone else felt the same way about these cards as he did.

After a while Clay got a school book out too, and they sat, listening to the beeps of the machines together and doing homework. It wasn't awkward after their eyes locked and they shared a smile, because Clay felt less unwanted. The brunette only left when his mom called and asked where he was, he told her the truth and she told him to come home when he was ready. He was ready, and so he stood up.

"Uh- see you later?" Clay phrased it more of a question than a request or promise, but Justin nodded.

"Bye, Jensen," Justin said. He looked up and watched Clay disappear from the room, eyes staring at the closed door for a few moments before he shook his head and returned to his work.

><

One particular Tuesday when the sun had turned to rain, Justin leaned forwards on his chair. Eventually he deciding to drag the chair closer to the bed even though he had always refrained from getting too close. He had always sat a comfortable distance away, but not anymore. He heard the screech of the chair against the floor as he pulled it and winced. When it came to a stop he settled back down into it again; the closer distance didn't scare him as much as he thought it would. He was sat very close to the bed, eyes hesitantly looking at the boy's face. It might be his mind willing him to see what he wanted to see rather than reality, but Justin could have sworn Alex wasn't as pale as yesterday.

"C'mon Alex," Justin breathed, voice strained and eyes prickling. He reached his hand forwards, then stopped himself, before reaching forwards again. At first Justin placed his hand beside Alex's lifeless one, he had heard that sometimes Alex moved but it was in the daytime and morning rather than at night. The movements were jerked and caused by medical terms he couldn't understand, but they were ugly and not at all pretty. He had only seen this happen once, on a Saturday, the way Alex convulsed and his muscles tensed. He knew Alex's parents had seen this a lot more than he had and he was glad to have never seen it again after that. Since he hadn't woken up yet, the nurses said this was okay to happen, but when he woke up he shouldn't have the body spasms and convulsions anymore. It made Justin think Alex would wake up in the daytime, which would mean he wasn't there, because the body was more alive during the day. If Alex wanted to wake up with Justin there then he'd have to wake up after school ended. Of course he didn't believe Alex would actually want that, it was more something that Justin wanted, and he wasn't selfish enough to wish Alex would wake up while he was there. In fact, the only thing Justin wanted was for Alex to not be alone.

Seeing Alex laying there, unresponsive, made him wonder if Alex knew he'd been here this whole time. Justin spoke to him sometimes but his words meant nothing and he didn't think the blonde would actually hear it, but would he wake up with some idea of who had visited? Alex could wake up unknowing to Justin being there every afternoon and night, or he could wake up with that knowledge and a confused look in his eye. Justin would be confused if it was Alex at the side of his hospital bed too.

"You're so fucking stubborn," Justin accused with no real bite or malice. It was getting frustrating to look at the lifeless form when all he wanted was to see life inside of it.

Gingerly, he stretched his fingers forward to brush against Alex's. Fingertips met fingertips and Alex's hand was colder than his own, cold enough in comparison for him to boldly move his hand closer. Holding hands was such a stupid thing to do, or at least Justin thought so. This was no romance movie. Justin wasn't going to hold Alex's hand and his eyes would snap open, but somehow it felt right to hold onto Alex in more than just the emotional way. Justin had been holding onto him for a long time, holding onto the hope of him waking up, but to gently hold Alex's hand felt beyond any comfort he'd received thus far. The hugs from Alex's mom and pats on the shoulder from Alex's dad were all appreciated, but finally having the nerve to slide his hand into Alex's was helping to an intangible degree.

Alex didn't wake up, his eyes didn't snap open, but Justin could handle that for now. What could he expect? He was nothing special, a simple touch wasn't going to spark life inside of the boy.

Well, when Justin was awoken in the morning with his head laying on his arm, the arm of the hand still holding Alex's, it could have felt like that. He woke up to a tight squeeze of his hand he jumped up, afraid that his sarcastic thoughts of sparking life into the boy with a touch weren't too far off. Maybe there had been a delayed reaction.

At first he thought Alex was awake, he thought this was it, and luckily Alex didn't completely hate him because he was _squeezing his hand_. Justin was in no right mind, not after just waking up, so those romance movies weren't far from his mind.

But no.  
Wishful thinking didn't get you anywhere.

The tight squeeze of Justin's hand had been nothing more than another tense of Alex's muscles, his chest rising and back arching in what looked like an almost painful way. As soon as this action happened, the constant beep in the room turned quick. A nurse pushed through the door a moment later, Justin's hand stuck inside of Alex's surprisingly tight grip. The boy didn't pay attention to her, his eyes just stared at the boy moving and jolting in the bed.

When Justin wished Alex didn't look so lifeless this wasn't what he meant, and he felt his eyes prickling with tears again when he blamed himself for having such foolish wishes. Alex would wake up when he was ready and right now he wasn't ready, and that was fine. It had to be fine, even if deep down it wasn't.

Justin's hand was freed when Alex fell slack against the bed, the boy returning to the lifeless state Justin was used to. The familiarity was nice, nicer than the scene he just witnessed, but he wanted Alex to wake up more than having something familiar.

><

It had been raining a lot over the past few days. The rain began on Tuesday and followed into Thursday, the pathetic fallacy something Justin didn't find poetic but more cruel and taunting.

The brunette walked through the rain, the weather reflecting in his mood. He entered the hospital looking like a kicked puppy. He had big eyes and slightly furrowed eyebrows, his hair and face wet with rain. He took off his varsity jacket, sporting a long sleeved jumper underneath, and entered the overly familiar room. This jumper, unlike most of his other clothes, was still soft against his skin and he found some shelter from the cold inside of it. As soon as he sat down in his chair, which was still close to Alex's bed where he moved it a few days before, he pulled his blanket over him.

Alex's blanket from his room at home was still on the edge of the bed. Justin reached a hand out to run his fingers over the fabric and it was soft and warm, just how he remembered Alex's eyes being the night he stayed there. The morning after they spoke normally, no arguments are harsh words, and Justin accepted the breakfast Alex's mom prepared. The woman herself wasn't there, she left for work before the teenage boys walked downstairs, but the food was something Justin would never be allowed to get used to. Now he couldn't remember the last time he ate properly home cooked food, it might have been that very morning.

It hadn't registered then but it did now. Alex let Justin have half of his own share because he saw how much he needed it, and the blonde resorted in only having a couple of bites to eat and coffee for breakfast. Justin didn't know if that meant Alex cared or not but he hoped it did. He didn't even know why he hoped Alex cared about him, maybe it was so he hadn't spent all of this time caring about someone who didn't care back.

Alex wasn't the sort to not care, if anything he cared too much, but Justin couldn't shake the worry that he'd hate to see Justin in the hospital room. Would he be disappointed? Would he be angry? Maybe just confused?

He realised then that he wasn't in a rush to find out.

All of this hoping and Justin wasn't even ready to face Alex yet.

Unfortunately things in this world never went Justin Foley's way. He settled back in his chair and retracted his hand from the blanket at the end of Alex's bed, eyes looking down at his worn shoes. As he dared put his hand to rest near Alex's again, longing for the feeling of safety he had when he held the boy's hand two days ago, his eyes flickered up to the blonde's face.

Beyond all expectations, beyond all doubt, this mixture of emotions was more than he could have ever imagined.

Just then, at 4:23 on Thursday afternoon...

Blue met blue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments mean so much to me, thank you for reading! (:


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your patience everyone, it's been a crazy few weeks! I hope this doesn't disappoint! <3

Blue met blue.

Well, as close to it as Justin would get. Alex wasn't staring directly at him, he was staring straight ahead. The boy didn't even seem to have enough energy to flicker his eyes sideways to where Justin was sat to his left. The most Alex's eyes moved was glancing over the wall ahead of him and for that reason it occurred to Justin that maybe he was disoriented after only just waking up. It wouldn't surprise him if he hadn't even noticed there was something beside his bed, nor that this person was leaning forwards eagerly and expectant of some sort of speech. 

What was Justin supposed to do? 

This was the first time Alex had opened his eyes in weeks, and he had been hoping to never open them again. Justin didn't know if Alex remembered what he attempted or if he remembered anything at all. He knew he should be getting a nurse right now, but the jock allowed himself to be selfish for a few moments longer.

"Alex?" Justin asked, the use of the first name now normal to him after speaking to Alex's parents so much. He always referred to the blonde as 'Alex' to the nurses, the doctors and his family so saying 'Standall' was wrong. It didn't take long for him to realise after he spoke that the impersonal use of the last name was normal for Alex, so he cleared his throat and prepared himself to speak again. Perhaps doing considerably normal things was what the boy needed, or maybe not at all, but what did Justin know? He had been beside the unconscious boy's bed every night since he first visited but that didn't mean he knew him any more or less than he did before the teen landed himself in hospital. Alex was an intelligent mind that Justin could never figure out, hence why he had no clue how to deal with this situation.

"Standall?" Justin's voice was anything but calm, more searching.

Alex wasn't searching, even his eyes were too tired to stay open for long. His heavy eyelids closed to blink, but the blink lasted so long that Justin wasn't sure he'd open them again. Luckily, he did, and this time those piercing blue eyes met Justin's. 

Somewhat awkwardly the brunette cleared his throat but he could tell the awkwardness was only felt by him, looking into Alex's surprisingly dull eyes revealed hardly any emotion the boy was feeling. Alex didn't look like he felt uncomfortable or awkward, he didn't look like he felt much of anything at all. The way his eyebrows moved in what was a very subtle substitute for a frown resembled confusion, something Justin could definitely understand. He was confused too. Fuck, he was really confused. He didn't have the slightest idea of what to do. He was at a loss for words for finally seeing what he had longed for, Alex was _awake_. Wasn't this what he, and all of the doctors, wanted? 

Not exactly, not for Justin.

"Alex?" he breathed, attempting to speak again to coerce some form of response, but his attempt wasn't given much of a chance. A nurse walked into the room for a routinely check, perking up a little at the sight of Justin's face because the shock and fret on the boy's features could only mean one thing. The nurse knew that Justin wouldn't be looking at Alex like that if there hadn't been any change, normally when she walked in to check up on the patient the brunette was slumped in the chair doing some homework. Not today, and she only had to glance at Alex to immediately understand why. 

The woman's entrance alerted Justin, the placement of his hand beside Alex's being immediately retracted as though the comfortable fabric of the bed sheet had scolded him. At first he didn't want to draw Alex's attention to the placement of his hand, but it didn't look like Alex would have noticed even if he had removed his hand anyway. The hand wasn't anywhere near Alex's now, it was awkwardly picking at the fabric of his sleeve. "He's awake," the nurse commented, nodding a couple of times and finding it difficult to keep her eyes away from the constant visitor. The nurses on these particular shifts knew Justin now, which wasn't surprising, and Justin knew they looked at him with some sort of pity whenever he dragged himself in and out of the hospital room. 

The Earth didn't stop spinning when Alex woke up. In fact, nothing much changed at all. Not at first. Alex watched, that's all, and Justin could feel the weight of his eyes on him every time he entered the room after school.

Recovery was a mysterious thing, a thing so mysterious that it didn't even have a specific length of time. No matter how much Justin wanted answers, and had asked for them, he knew nothing more than he would've been able to figure out for himself.

Everything was vague, even the medical information about Alex was vague, and it was getting tiring trying to figure it all out on his own. The nights spent alone in Alex's room when he was still unconscious were easier because he knew the boy would wake up when he was ready. There had still been a world of things the doctors didn't know when the blonde was unconscious but he was stable at the very least, he was _alive,_ but now there were even more questions. It seemed Alex being awake not only left more questions and anxieties amongst Alex's doctors, family and friends, but it made hanging around in the hospital room even more painful. It left the jock with one particular, burning question.

What now?

Justin wanted Alex to speak again, talk about _something_ , but he wasn't so much as opening his eyes for longer than ten seconds at a time, let alone having a conversation with anyone. Justin couldn't even make an assumption as to why the boy hadn't spoken yet, it was just as likely to be out of choice as it was out of him being unable to. He hoped it wasn't the latter because at least the former was changeable, being physically unable to speak was something even Justin didn't have the skill of being able to fix.

Even if the words Alex managed to say were 'fuck off' or as hurtful as 'get out', Justin would take it. He'd take anything just to hear that sarcastic boy's voice again, he kind of missed having someone intelligent to argue with. Or maybe he just simply missed Alex, but that was something he wasn't going to admit to his vulnerable self when he hadn't so much as spoken a nice word to Alex for months before all of this. Alex was the boy that could infuriate him just by looking at him, he was the boy with the judging looks, and he was the boy with the smart comments. It had always been an unlikely friendship with how stubborn both of the boys were, but Justin had swallowed all of his pride by still turning up every day even now Alex was awake. To anyone else it might be expected to stay now he was awake, even more so because Alex was more aware of his visitors, but that would never be the case with Justin. 

It was easy to sit beside the unconscious blonde talking about nothing, sometimes he spoke for hours just to fill the silence, but now that Alex was awake it changed everything. The teen's face didn't have that usual 'judgy' look but that didn't mean Justin felt any more welcome. 

Over the past few days nothing incredible had happened, nothing life changing, and that's exactly what Justin expected today as he walked into the hospital room. Today he was a little later than usual because he stayed behind after school to shower, taking all of the luxuries of the school that he didn't have in a house of his own. It hadn't fully dawned on Justin that he was homeless yet because for him this room felt pretty much like home. It wasn't a house with a white picket fence or a large, wooden front door but it was somewhere he felt safe, secure and wanted. For someone with parents like Justin's those were the qualities of a home rather than having an actual building to label. 

Those piercing blue eyes were staring at Justin as he walked over to his seat and slumped down into his chair. By now he had gotten used to the unfamiliar sensation, the past few days of staring from the blonde was enough for him to get fully accustomed to the feeling of unwelcome eyes on him. 

Without a word he pulled out a school book and rested it on his knee so that he could feel a less useless and out of place. Something about Alex's eyes made him feel inspected and under intense interrogation, even if whenever he stole glances up at Alex's face he didn't look the least bit intimidating. After the second day Alex witnessed Justin arrive the confusion had subsided and his eyes appeared more curious, it didn't mean the smaller boy wasn't still terribly confused but he had at least given up on trying to figure out why Justin Foley of all people was visiting. If Justin dared speak then maybe he'd answer the unasked question that he could read in Alex's eyes, but he didn't because he truly didn't know the answer much himself. 

For his own comfort, Justin moved the chair closer to the bed and proceeded to lean against the mattress to do his school work. He didn't think Alex would really care that much about sharing the space so he placed his hand on the mattress to lean on, propping his foot up on the bed frame so that his knee was raised. He placed his book on his knee and started to do his homework. Maths had never been his favourite, but really... who likes maths?

The boring hum of machines assured they weren't in complete silence but it was still deafeningly quiet in the room, quiet enough for Justin to hear even the light scratch of his pen on the paper. After a while he finally dared glance up at the boy laying in the hospital bed and he saw eyes staring at him. He wasn't sure why Alex stared so much but he tried not to feel uncomfortable by it, maybe it was just out of curiosity and some form of entertainment. Justin couldn't be all that interesting but it beat staring at walls littered with tasteless _get well soon_ cards, which Justin would hate having stare him in the face if he was in Alex's position. He couldn't know what was going through Alex's head, so he wasn't going to rip them down in case Alex liked them. He couldn't imagine someone like Alex actually liking them, but what did he know? Maybe they were a nice gesture like Alex's parents thought they were.

As Alex's stare moved from where he was looking at Justin's book up to his eyes, Justin tried his best to maintain the eye contact. Alex was finding the energy to keep his eyes open for longer now, eyes staring more intensely as a result. The jock didn't mind, he didn't mind a whole lot of what was going on because he assumed all of it was welcomed improvements. What he hadn't been prepared for was the light brush of fingertips he felt on the hand that was placed on the bed. Alex hadn't made many attempts at moving much at all, too weak to do so, but with some form energy he was moving his hand.

Justin's foot slipped off of the bed frame when he felt the sudden movement, no matter how small it was, and he was left with full view of their hands on the bed, and Alex's fingertips that were stretching forwards towards his. Fingertips met fingertips, and this time it wasn't Justin's doing. It occurred to the brunette that the movement wasn't actually meant to make the skin on skin contact and it was merely Alex testing his own strength, but regardless of whether Alex wanted to hold his hand or not Justin gave him his full attention. 

His book was soon discarded onto the floor and he dropped the pen down on top of it, eyes staring at where Alex's fingers were moving ever so slightly. The blonde's eyes stared down at their hands two, both of them looking at the movement as though it was the most amazing thing in the whole world. To Justin, it kind of was. 

"Alex?" Justin asked, regretting speaking soon after as it might have ruined the vital moment. Alex wasn't completely motionless, he was finding the strength to move his fingers, and by speaking Justin feared he might have interrupted that revelation. 

"Do-" he paused, staring at Alex in bewilderment and with an undeniable fear. He swallowed thickly and glanced down at their hands for a mere second before diverting his eyes back to the blonde laying in the bed. "Do, do you know who I am?" he asked, wide eyes staring. He wasn't sure he'd like the answer, assuming he'd get one, but he needed to ask. 

The last time Justin held Alex's hand the boy had squeezed very, very tightly onto his hand in an unconscious tense of his muscles. His body had only been convulsing painfully that time but this time it was completely different. Justin didn't dare move his hand, he just let the small brush of their fingertips be the extent of their contact. He didn't even know if Alex recognised him, he didn't know if Alex saw him as a complete stranger, but he knew he cared about the boy regardless of his memory or his injury. The doctors were still unsure about Alex's mental and physical state and how well he would recover, but this was a good first step to any sort of recovery. He just needed the strength and control to move his hand. 

"C'mon," Justin whispered. "D'you know it's me, Standall?" he asked tentatively, but he didn't get the pleasure of a response. After one more reach of Alex's fingers that pressed more surely again his own, the hand fell back against the bed with as little life as the past few weeks. Justin felt a little bit deflated, feeling like Alex really didn't recognise him. Maybe the confusion he saw etched onto the boy's features a couple of days ago wasn't confusion as to why he was there considering they weren't the best of friends, it was complete confusion as to who he was at all. The jock slumped back against the chair and he slowly removed his hand from the side of the bed, not seeing the point in keeping it there.  This was all getting so fucking frustrating. 

With a long exhale of breath, he looked away from Alex and ran his tongue over his top teeth. 

"F-"

Justin froze completely.

"F-Fole-"

His ocean eyes snapped up.

"F-Foley." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another cliffhanger? I know, I'm sorry, but I'll update sooner than last time! Thank you so much for reading and I appreciate your comments so much! (:


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> // it comes and goes in waves  
> and carries us away  
> through the wind
> 
> caught in the silence   
> an echo lost in space //

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am unbelievably sorry for taking so long but by the end of this week I won't have anymore exams so I can update a lot more often! I really wanted to update so I'm sorry if this chapter isn't the best, I hope it gets across what I want it to! Thank you so much for being so patient, I hope you didn't mind the wait! <3

Terror seized the jock in his seat, his whole body rigged with something he didn't like to identify as fear. After waiting for this moment for so damned long, he thought it would be easier to handle than this. When he played this out in his head, this hadn't been one of the possible scenarios he thought up. Perhaps it was naive of him to think it was something he could prepare for but he could hope. He had tried to prepare himself for Alex opening his eyes too and despite trying, he failed.

Nothing could have prepared Justin for the enormity of these two moments, which were all being generously shared with him instead of Alex's parents like Justin would have expected. The small progress he made around Justin was no accident and the brunette wasn't so sure he _was_ the first person Alex had made these attempts with, maybe he was just the first one to notice. The slow, subtle movement of Alex's fingers wouldn't have been noticeable to someone who wasn't paying attention so maybe his parents just hadn't seen him trying to exercise his strength. Justin paid a whole lot of attention to Alex, more than he even paid to himself, so of course the brush of fingertips didn't go unnoticed.

"Yeah," he stupidly confirmed his identity to the blonde in the bed, a sudden serge of movement causing him to sit upright in his chair. As stupid as he sounded for saying such an underwhelming response, Justin was glad he managed to saying _something_.

The way the blonde had spoken came out as a factual statement, nothing eccentric. It didn't spark Justin as being negative or in the least bit alarming so he was relieved with that, even more relieved to know that Alex didn't have the memory loss that had been ambiguously talked about amongst the doctors when they thought Justin couldn't hear them.

They said that Alex could suffer from an extreme case of memory loss or even just a minor case of it. Thankfully, the former of the possibilities was proven incorrect by the strained stutter of Justin's name that left the boy's lips.

In theory, the fact Alex had barely been able to speak one word because of the stutter should have been alarming. Not to Justin. During the weeks of waiting for Alex to recover, Justin would have been happy with any sort of progress in the recovery. Selfishly, Justin didn't want Alex to hurry up in the means he wouldn't need this hospital room anymore, the jock admittedly didn't want to lose the one place he could sleep and keep warm, but he did want some sort of progress regardless. If Alex woke up and was suddenly ready to go home, and he was sure that was the best place to be, then Justin would have to get used to the fact he was homeless. Maybe Zach would let him sleep in his car or something, friends did that... right?

Shaking away too many thoughts, Justin frantically shook his head and sprung into action so he could encourage the progress and show Alex how grateful he was for it. The brunette leaned forwards towards Alex, not even thinking as his hand found the mattress beside Alex's. He didn't hold the boy's hand or make an attempt to do so, but his hand fit snugly in the space between Alex's thigh and his hand, so he rested it there to prop himself up as he leaned forwards to study the smaller boy's face interestedly.

"I didn't think you'd know who I was," Justin admitted, the words just spilling out before he could properly think about what he was saying. He hardly ever said the right thing so he was just going for anything that wasn't the _wrong_ thing, surely that was possible.

It looked like Alex was trying to speak again with his neck tensing and his lips slightly parted. Justin had never been good with patience but if he'd learnt anything during his time in this hospital room, it was that he needed all of the patience in the world with Alex. The boy hadn't been eager to wake up or open his eyes, nor speak for that matter, but Justin waited and waited. He would wait more too, he'd wait for as long as it took for Alex to tell him to _fuck off_ or _get out_. Well, _if_ he told him that, and if he didn't then he'd stay and he'd wait for as long as Alex would let him and as long as it took for him to be somewhat nursed into the old Alex.

Though not wanting to pressure him, Justin might have been accidentally staring expectantly and intensely at the boy. He caught himself and saved it pretty quickly, but Alex rarely missed anything so he probably noticed Justin's wondrous eyes staring intensely at him.

"I-"

It was hard not to perk up at the sounds, though scratchy, of Alex's voice.

"I d-"

Every syllable was strained, every letter not being directly followed by the next. The words Alex had in his head seemed to die away and he was left with an unmistakable uncertainty as though he forgot what he was going to say, he just couldn't remember. There was an awful, haunting mix of frustration, sadness and disappointment that covered Alex's features almost instantly after he gave up on his words. Justin could pick from two different things the boy was trying to do: I do or I don't. He'd really like to hope the first one, Alex said his name after all.

"Y-you do, yeah... you do, okay. Would've been fucking awkward if you didn't," Justin nodded once in an exaggerated manner, his hands a little shaky and sweaty from how unsure he was about this whole situation. Justin wasn't built for this. What was he supposed to do?

The usual watering of Alex's eyes from the unusually bright lights had stopped a few days into his eyes being open. Eventually he became accustomed to the garish hospital lights and the sun streaming in through the window, with curtains his mother insisted stay open all day, but that watering was returning very subtly while they were sat there in the silence. The silence was like a friend that never left Justin's side, appearing at the best and worst of times, and he soon noticed how unbearable the silence was for the boy in the hospital bed.

Justin did the one thing he thought would help Alex forget about his own struggles with speech and movement, he grabbed his phone and started fumbling for the music. His screen was smashed to an almost unusable degree but he managed to navigate through the controls to some music, music he thought Alex wouldn't roll his eyes or scowl at.

To be honest he completely forgot about his hand that was firmly pressed into the mattress, up until Alex's hand moved a little towards it. Justin glanced sideways from his phone, which he was still scrolling on to try and find a decent song, but his eyes didn't betray him for long before catching site of his phone that had scrolled a fair bit down the alphabetical order of the songs. It was now on 'w', a letter he saw multiple songs to choose from, and his thumb hovered, unsure, over the cracked screen for a moment.

"You uh- you like music, yeah?" Justin asked, hoping his memory of Alex's room wasn't betraying him.

•••

_He looked around the room through tearful eyes, his vision blurred and his head pounding. Perhaps if he cared more then he'd have noticed the burning red of his cheek from the slap he received not too long ago, but there wasn't much he could really feel right now. Instead of feeling, instead of accepting the crushing of his heart, Justin occupied himself with looking around the blonde's room. In a feeble attempt at refuge he'd gone to the one place he didn't think he would get turned away from - maybe that wasn't completely true. It was more likely here than anywhere he would get turned away, but for some unknown reason he wasn't. Alex let him and offered him a place to stay. He fed him, he drove him to Bryce's and he drove him back. Who would have thought Alex would be the one to give him a home, even if just for the night?_

_"Justin?" a timid voice asked from the doorway, clearly not bothering with any sort of hostility that they might have given at school. Justin was glad he didn't need to pretend to hate Alex, it was exhausting._

_Instead of replying, the brunette lifted his head from where it was tilted downwards to actually stare at the kindhearted, smaller boy. Perhaps he'd never appreciated how_ nice _Alex could be, he wasn't nearly as bad as he thought he was. Alex thought of himself  as a monster with a villainous persona, but Justin could make a valid argument against that point of view. Nobody that bad would offer a place to stay to their frenemy and put up with their pathetic crying without giving even one snarky comment. Justin expected Alex to make fun of him, especially with Jessica being both of their ex now, but he didn't. They'd both lost the same girl and it was weird enough just being here together without one of them addressing it._

_When their eyes locked and piercing blue met ocean blue, Alex continued. "Do you want anything?" he asked, slowly proceeding into the room with a pillow tucked under his arm and a quilt spilling out over the grip of his hands._

_Justin shook his head._

_The short, unhelpful replies were completely understandable. Alex wasn't going to push Justin to talk to him, he was clearly happy to just stand and wallow in the middle of his bedroom. The smaller boy walked closer to the jock, beginning to set up a makeshift bed on the floor. Justin had been stood there since they got back from Bryce's, scanning over the posters over Alex's walls with scrutiny. It didn't alarm Alex, he wasn't exactly ashamed of his room, but he did wish Justin would say something... anything._

_Finally, Justin spoke. It wasn't at all what Alex expected but it was progress at the least, Justin wasn't completely broken after what happened with Jessica. "D'you still play?" he wondered, gesturing to the guitar that was propped up in the corner of the room. Since everything that happened with Hannah's tapes, Justin hadn't been as focused on basketball as usual and he had noticed Alex was the same with music. He heard Alex had dropped out, or was thinking about it, so his curiosity got the better of his as he spotted the musical instrument in the corner of the room._

_"Not a lot, not anymore," Alex shrugged his shoulders. His concentration was wearing thin recently, never able to focus on the music he was playing. He wished he could still focus like he used to but he really couldn't, it was useless. Sometimes he tried to play something and only got frustrated with himself for the lack of perfection and beauty of the piece._

_After the small interaction they fell into silence while Alex set up the sleeping arrangements and Justin tried to dry his eyes. The jock wiped under his nose and rid his cheeks of their tears. His eyes were stinging too, but no where near as much as his cheek was. The pain slowly started to creep up on him but he deserved it anyway. The cold of the night had numbed him from the pain for a while until the warmth of Alex Standall's bedroom brought the burning of his skin to attention. The redness was soon to die down by morning, if not sooner, so he wasn't exactly that worried about it._

_"You like music then?" Justin asked after some more silence, sniffling and rubbing one of his eyes with the back of his hand._

_"Yeah, I guess..." Alex answered, a lot more closed off than he might have been had they been friends. Alex did like music, hence why he picked up playing the guitar. He sang some, wrote some, but it wasn't like he was particularly worthy of anyone's time with his hobby. Justin might beg to differ, at least the Justin of present, but that didn't change how Alex felt about himself then. Or now._

•••

A song that Alex Standall, the talented guitarist, would like. Justin was searching, unsure of what the boy's music taste was. All he knew was he had to stop thinking so damned much. He needed to actually do something.

All Justin wanted to do was rid Alex of the watery eyes and frustration from the stuttered speech, he was clearly expecting too much of himself at this stage, but he couldn't find the right song. Everything he saw had something he didn't think Alex would like or want to listen to, but eventually he acted on impulse and pressed a song he found himself listening to more often than most recently. It was a slower song, one that might surprise Alex to hear from Justin Foley's phone, but it resonated out of the speakers none the less.

The song _Waves_ by _Dean Lewis_ began to play and Justin boldly shifted his hand closer to Alex's. In that moment he wasn't sure if he was moving his hand for Alex's benefit or his own but he'd use the boy in the hospital bed as an excuse; it hurt his pride a lot less to believe he wasn't doing it for his own selfish reasons. Perhaps all of his thoughts involving Alex were selfish.

He placed the phone that was supplying the low hum of music on the side table at the side of Alex's bed, then able to put both of his hands on the mattress. Neither one touched Alex's too obviously, but that hand that still remained brushed against the boy's hand every now and then.

When he brought his eyes back to Alex's, the piercing blue didn't meet his own and he could have sworn they were even avoiding him. The smaller boy's eyes were skilfully staring up at the ceiling, trying to blink back the tears that had built up from the stressful attempt at speaking that failed. Justin wasn't disappointed in the boy for being unable to form the right words or sentences, he did well to say anything at all, but he could tell that Alex was unbelievably embarrassed and disappointed in himself. No tear escaped the stubborn blonde's eyes, which reminded Justin of the unmistakably strong boy he found infuriating. Alex didn't cry, not in front of anyone, and he kept all vulnerability to himself. He hid behind sarcasm but that sarcasm was long gone, hidden beneath an incessant stutter.

"Standall," Justin spoke softly, a foreign tone coming from him in particular and it successfully caught Alex's undivided attention. His eyes weren't as watery now and he could pretend he hadn't been brought to tears by his own failure. The song that was playing and reminding Alex of everything he had been missing while alone in this room all day was another factor as to why his tears didn't disappear completely, but they weren't obvious to anyone who wasn't paying attention. Justin, as realised prior to this moment, paid a whole lot of attention to the boy.

Of course the brunette didn't expect a response, he definitely wouldn't push for one, so he waited until he had Alex's attention to continue. "It's alright, you know? I mean..." he swallowed thickly, so many unsaid things in the back of his throat. He wanted to say so damned much but he didn't want to scare Alex, he didn't want to make a fool out of himself either, so he simply looked down at their hands bashfully and tried to think of something that would meet in the middle. Finally, after a long moment of Alex staring at him and Justin stared at their hands, he forced his eyes back to the piercing, intimidating blue ones. They were softer than he remembered but not soft enough to relax him over what he was about to say. Still, he had to say something. Alex was expecting _something_ at least.

"You're gonna be okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you enjoyed, thank you so much for all of the comments they mean so much and encourage me to keep writing haha, thank you again!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY!  
> I am really sorry for the wait, I hope you like the 'Alex perspective' because I thought it was a nice way to change it up!

Alex had lost count of the days he'd been in this hospital room and it wasn't like he could have an accurate count anyway. He had been unconscious most of the time he'd been here, or at least that's what he assumed.

Without a clock or a calendar it was difficult to grasp the time of day, or even the time of the year, but at least it left him with something to think about to occupy his overactive mind. The only way to know the time of day was when the curtains were open, allowing the light to stream through, or when Justin Foley entered after school. Sometimes Alex caught a glimpse of the time from someone's phone when they got it out to check, such as his mother who left just after two in the afternoon on her days off, or his father that arrived for five minutes to ask about progress and then leave again for work every morning. It was all becoming routine, unfortunately. He had visitors a lot of the time but there was only one person that he valued the visit of and that one person was Justin Foley.

The visits from his family should have been just as highly valued, but how could they? His parents came because they _had_ to but nobody was forcing Justin to come by every single day and sleep here through the night. It was confusing at first, to watch the jock who once hated him coming to visit, but then it just became normal.

'Normal', for Alex Standall, used to be arguing with his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend at any chance they got. They infuriated each other, sometimes deliberately, and rarely managed to find time to be friends. Sometimes they would laugh with each other, their relationship hadn't been futile, but it wasn't at all something to be desired. Strange as it was, and very hard to believe, the two teens had a lot more in common than they'd ever realise. The only thing that was obvious for the two boys regarding their similarities was the fact they had both dated the same girl, and both lost that very girl due to their own mistakes.

Alex had yet to see Jessica visit him, though she was probably too caught up in what happened with Bryce to think about him. He wasn't important and it didn't surprise him that very few people came to visit besides his parents. Justin, Clay and eventually Zach had been to see him but Alex could imagine most people were too afraid. They were afraid of what they'd find when they walked into the hospital room, which was a broken version of the boy they once knew at school. Zach said that Montgomery asked about him, which was relatively sweet, but no mention of Jessica had been made and maybe it was better that way.

The natural brunette's life was changing daily in the hospital environment. Each day he was being pushed to make progress, whether that be to move and eventually stand or simply start talking again. He couldn't talk without a constant, indefinite stutter but he was trying his best to string sentences together properly. It was embarrassing for him to talk in such a muddled way so he refrained from doing so unless necessary, which only made the nurses try to coerce him to speak even more.

Recently, over the past few days, Alex had started to gain his strength back. He was still plagued with a deep anxiety and depression from being in this hospital room all day and every day, and of course from the 'accident', but things were getting better for him, physically at least. Physical progress was being highly encouraged by the doctors and nurses, even his parents, but the progress that was slowly being introduced was emotional and mental progress. A therapist was the last thing that Alex wanted but it was the thing he _needed_ the most, so his parents had already started to have someone come by to talk to him. It was exhausting to pretend to be okay all of the time but not speaking worked just as well too. Alex just sat and listened, he didn't speak. It was embarrassing enough for his family and friends to have to listen to his stuttered speech but a stranger? That would be worse.

At first, Alex started to move his fingers and his hands. He continued brushing his fingers against Justin's, which were temptingly close on the bed most of the time, and then he started to squeeze his mom's hand when she held his. The contact was nice and he knew his mother was trying, so he exercised his strength by squeezing her hand lightly whenever he could. Eventually he could push himself to sit up in the bed, with some difficulty, and then the nurses were trying to get him to stand. It wasn't as easy as being able to stand up from his bed, mainly because of the shooting pains in his head and the stiffness of his limbs. The boy could remember hoping things would get easier, and eventually they did.

Soon it was easy to sit up, despite the pain in his head the action caused, and it was even easier to hold onto things himself. It was all the more tempting to hold onto Justin's hand, but of course he wouldn't do that. He couldn't let the jock realise he was conscious when he held his hand all of those times before, it would make things uncomfortable and awkward. Alex may have been stationary and unresponsive, but he still heard and felt some things that happened while in that state. It may have been nothing but his imagination that Justin held his hand but he hoped it wasn't, he hoped it wasn't the last time that it would happen either.

He refused to let himself think such thoughts because they were stupid and unrealistic. Justin was probably here out of nothing other than guilt, as was Clay and Zach, so to think he would do something as intimate as _hold his hand_ was ridiculous.

Alex felt like he had lost his common sense while being here, and all intelligence too.

There was hardly anything too friendly in their recent past, himself and Justin, so Alex didn't think landing himself in hospital would change. It made him wonder if his views of Justin, which hadn't been all that negative anyway, would have changed had this situation been reversed. Maybe. Alex didn't doubt he would have visited once or twice, just maybe not made the hospital room his home like Justin was doing. It was a detail that went much deeper than one would generally think, because Justin didn't have a good home and that was why he was using the hospital room as refuge from his awful household.

As expected, like everyday, Justin arrived around four in the afternoon. Alex wasn't to know that this was the time but could only assume. It felt like Justin arrived at the same time as always, around half an hour after a nurse came in to check on him, so there was nothing different or out of the ordinary. Alex liked things that were good to stay the same and he couldn't begin to imagine the level of anxiety he would get if one day Justin stopped coming. That was a day that he was definitely not looking forward to.

Justin didn't give his usual greeting as he slumped down into his chair, he just sank into it and licked his top teeth frustratedly. Perhaps something had happened at school, and even Alex's hatred of his own voice didn't outweigh his curiosity of Justin's mood.

"Are y-you-" the smaller boy sucked in a deep breath, unable to finish the question before Justin shot him a look.

The jock knew exactly what he was going to ask and he didn't want him to finish that question because the answer was obvious. No. Alex watched the boy's face turn from something similar to what he'd receive all of the time a couple of months ago to something foreign and much softer. "Yeah," he shrugged his shoulders dismissively with a kinder voice than Alex expected. Justin was always so... kind. It was a confusing but welcomed change because like Alex had once told Clay, it didn't totally suck at school that Justin Foley liked him back then so it didn't totally suck now either. Having someone as popular and important as Justin take an interest in him after something like this had happened actually made Alex feel quite important and not as useless.

"Had a hair cut?" Justin asked in an attempt to change the conversation away from his sour mood. And yes, Alex had a haircut earlier that day, but it wasn't too noticeable. The brown had grown out and pushed the blonde to only the ends, so he had a haircut to rid himself of the blonde.

His natural, brown hair made his eyes a lot less cold and piercing than what they were when paired with the blonde. The snarky, sharp and unapproachable blonde was no longer any of those things. The brown hair made his eyes a lot softer and less scrutinising, which Justin adored. He had always been a fan of brown eyes because of how soft they were but if there were any blue eyes he wouldn't mind gazing into, it would be Alex Standall's. Something about Alex had always been cold and judgemental but now he was anything but those things, at least to Justin, and the jock found those once piercing blue eyes to be soft, endearing and curious. The former blonde nodded a little, but the action caused a small pain to shoot through his head so he didn't nod for long.

"The brown is good," Justin complimented.

Every small compliment and kind word made Alex feel a little more comfortable and, dare he say, happy. He felt... happier, maybe not happy, and that was all down to a boy he used to dislike.

"Th-than-" Alex gulped. "Thanks."

Justin's patience was admirable, that was for sure, and Alex wasn't sure how the brunette hadn't snapped at him yet for not being able to speak very quickly. He was slower with his words because it took him longer to think about it and the boy could see how impatient and frustrated his father got with him. His mother was too encouraging as she tried to reassure him and finish his sentences and his father constantly looked slightly frustrated and annoyed, though Justin just waited. The brunette sat in his usual chair and waited for Alex to finish, unless he could see Alex getting too worked up and in those cases he would answer before the full question was asked or he would respond while filling in the blanks of Alex's stutters.

"So," Alex said, bringing the conversation back to what Justin had diverted from. "Wh-what's wro-wrong?"

Clearly he wasn't getting away with this so Justin gave in. He made a mental reminder to sort out his mood and temper before he entered the hospital room next time because there was no lying to Alex. The former blonde noticed a lot of things and Justin knew he would have to be genuine and serious with his answer, Alex would see right through him if he was lying.

"Just- I don't know."

Okay. Justin was going to tell the truth, but he really didn't want to, and he wished he could argue with those soft, beautifully blue eyes but it was practically impossible. Looking away from Alex made it easier to avoid the question so he stared down at his worn, tattered shoes. He had completely worn them out and it would be difficult to wear them for much longer, but he was willing to try. Justin didn't have the money to buy new ones so they would have to last for as long as possible.

The silence was deafening in the small space and Justin could almost hear his own heart beating. He felt like his heart stopped completely when there was a shift in the bed because a hand reached over and brushed against his own. His eyes snapped to the bed and he saw Alex's hand brushing obviously against his own. This was no accident. The action was either meant to comfort him or encourage him to continue, and it did both of those two aims. Alex just wanted Justin to tell him and feel comfortable doing so.

"It's just my m-"

The door swung open unexpectedly and both boys jumped. Justin jumped and retracted his hand from the bed, afraid whoever it was would notice how close their hands were. Alex didn't jump, he just moved his head to the side and stared wide eyed at the door that had opened.

All he saw was brown curls and big, brown eyes.

Jessica.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and I really appreciate the comments because it lets me know how many people are reading, I love reading them!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He thought that just reminding Alex of his presence might help because he had become a constant in Alex's life recently, even if that's all he was. A constant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I might have lost a lot of people because of how long I have taken to update and I can't promise constant updates even now but I'm still going to continue and upload as much as I possibly can, I appreciate the patience and the support! Thank you all so much and I hope you enjoy this chapter, it's extra long!

Jessica Davis had been to hell over the last few months and she was still trying to find her way back. Everyone knew it.

Even though the students at Liberty High didn't get the privilege of seeing the girl over the past few months, it didn't take a genius to figure out why one of her family members stopped by the school every Monday morning to collect her work for the week from the front office. Justin had seen her father, a very daunting and intimidating man, walking through the halls a couple of times when he had been a little bit early to school on Monday so that he could take a shower after a long weekend without one. Other than that, he had seen absolutely no trace of Jessica. Every time he saw the father of the girl he used to be involved with, he averted his eyes and couldn't help but wonder how much the man knew and whether or not he knew about Justin's involvement, or more lack of involvement, in what happened to his daughter. He thought if the man knew then he might have said something or even punched him by now when they were the only two people in the halls, so he just assumed that the man didn't know every single detail like the thirteen people on the tapes did because nothing had happened yet.

Justin noticed a few more things that alluded to Jessica's permanent absence. Another student had taken her locker, another student had moved to her seat in her classes and another student had replaced her on the cheerleading team.

He couldn't lie; he missed having a beautiful, cheerful girl on his arm but he didn't think she'd be all that cheerful anymore. They had grown apart since she told him she never wanted to see him ever again and it had taken a very long time and a lot of thinking, but Justin had finally accepted the fact that he couldn't be in love with her anymore. Besides, he had another individual that was taking up most of his time and his thoughts, who he practically lived with these days. He thought she might try to contact him so that he could give a statement in the court case against Bryce but he had received no such call or visit from the police, so he thought his name might have been kept out of it completely. From what he had heard, things weren't looking all that great in Jessica and Hannah's favour, so he was even more surprised to see Jessica arrive at the hospital today of all days. He thought she might visit when Alex was out of the hospital or even just when the court case was closed and a verdict was reached, but here she was.

The girl looked as radiant as ever and her hair was perfect, her makeup was done even though to Justin's knowledge she didn't have anywhere fancy to go to. She was wearing a nice dress and some short heels, which he noticed when he diverted his eyes away from her chocolate brown ones and down to the floor. He felt ashamed to even be around her, he didn't want to make her uncomfortable or bring back bad memories, so if she looked like she was going to leave at the sight of him then he'd offer to leave himself for Alex and Jessica's sake.

Jessica wasn't wearing a dress and heels for her visit to Alex, she was on her way to a meal with her family that they were hoping would lift her spirits. She told them that she wouldn't go unless her dad let her visit Alex, so here they were. Her dad was standing close behind her until the moment she entered the room because he couldn't stand the thought of his daughter hurting and keeping it from him again. He had been fighting for justice for long enough to earn some sort of closure and happiness for his daughter, yet now she had a completely new battle to face with her former boyfriend and current friend in hospital after trying to kill himself. This was the second of her best friends to do this. It made the older man even more determined to keep Jessica as far away from the people at that school as possible because it couldn't be any coincidence that multiple kids had managed to be unknowingly searching for a fatal way out. He remained outside of the hospital room, awaiting his daughter's return.

Luckily, the girl had convinced her father that seeing Alex would make her feel better. She felt guilty about not being there for him enough as it was, so keeping her away from being able to apologise and offer her support was just making her feel worse. She understood why her parents had asked her to stay away because it was something even more upsetting to add to her current situation, but she couldn't just forget about her former boyfriend like that. Recently they had been growing closer again because of the tapes and Jessica would always have a place in her heart for the blonde haired boy that she had once dated, and once been best friends with before that. She had been getting updates from one of her girl friends at school, who came over every now and then to gossip and make her feel like a relatively normal teenage girl for once, but the updates were always pretty vague and didn't have much detail in them. She didn't remember anything changing in the rumours about Alex until one day the fellow cheerleader of hers told her that Alex was awake, which was most definitely an update she was glad to hear. Unfortunately, it did make her guilt flare up like a relentless rash, but seeing Alex was supposed to make her feel better about that. She couldn't just sit around and not see him anymore, even if it had still taken her this long to actually come and see him after finding out he was conscious.

It felt like they had been sat in silence for an incomprehensible amount of time and Alex grew a little bit uneasy. He blinked slowly so that he could get rid of the tears forming in his eyes and he slowly pushed himself to sit up in the bed, which was now an easy task for him and his head hurt a lot less too.

"Oh my god, Alex," Jessica breathed out her words as her hand came up to cover her mouth. Her bottom lip quivered and her eyes filled with tears at ten times the speed that Alex's did, causing a few of them to daringly risk ruining her makeup by escaping at the corners. She rushed towards Alex's side and held onto his hand because the last thing she was thinking about was ruining her makeup that she'd done in an attempt to look a little nicer for this meal she was being  _treated_  to. It was like a desperate attempt at her parents pretending that she was coping well, when in reality they knew that she wasn't coping well at all. One night when she had just relived that awful party during her statement in court in front of many people, Jessica cried to her dad in the car and told him how much she needed Hannah, or Alex, or someone. She needed someone at least, but all of those people were gone and she wouldn't be caught dead talking to someone like Justin that let the worst possible thing happen to her. She had actually been in touch with Clay because he was one of the only decent and available people around, in her opinion at least.

Justin could feel how cold she was towards him but she didn't even have to say anything, she just had to look at him in the same way that she was looking at him right now and he knew that she didn't want to see him. He couldn't exactly blame her, he hated himself too. He thought he might even hate himself more than she hated him because at least she had loved him at some point when Justin had never been able to love himself.

He loved the idea of being this perfect jock with girls falling at his feet and having the most powerful friends in school but he had never felt all that powerful in hindsight. His mom made sure of that, as well as Bryce Walker.

"Jess," Alex managed and he had focused so intensely on that one word, her name, that he didn't stutter at all. It didn't mean that the small struggle on his face wasn't noticeable to the girl but that didn't bother her, just like it had never bothered Justin. Part of her reason for not fussing over his struggle was because she didn't know  _why_  he was struggling, she barely knew anything at all.

"I'm so sorry I didn't come before," she told him as she reached her free hand up to wipe away a few of her tears. The girl was trying so hard not to glance over at her ex boyfriend, her other ex boyfriend, but it was harder than she thought it would be when he was just sat there. She had heard the rumours of Justin sticking around the hospital a lot just like everyone else but she didn't know why and she didn't care to know whatever selfish reasons Justin had for sticking around. She was still angry with him and whatever he decided to do and whoever he decided to disappoint from now on was completely his choice and his problem, not hers. She had promised herself that nobody would ever be allowed to disappoint her like that again.

Alex wanted to tell Jessica that it was okay but he didn't quite manage to speak, he just gave her a small nod of his head. She reached back to grab the chair that his mom usually sat on, or Clay when he came to visit, and pulled it closer so that she could sit near him. She realised that he wasn't really holding her hand back anymore like he did at first so she let go and rested both of her hands in her lap. She fiddled with the end of the zip on her jacket and glanced nervously over at Justin, who wasn't even meeting her eyes as he stared down at his sleeves and picked at the fabric equally as nervously.

Jessica wasn't sure what she was supposed to say because she hadn't exactly been briefed before she entered the room, so she just spoke about whatever came to mind. "I'm sorry I couldn't stop this from happening again," she told him with guilt in her tone. She felt guilty over Hannah and now just as guilty about Alex too, which made Alex feel worse about what he had done, or failed to do. The boy had managed to stay calm until now because his family and Justin didn't talk about the 'accident' or Hannah, they more specifically didn't talk about Hannah, but Jessica mentioned her passingly without even realising it herself.

He had to sit everyday in a hospital bed as a constant reminder of what a failure he truly was.

He had to sit everyday and look as his mom's teary eyed smiles.

He had to watch the frustration on his father's face grow with every mistake he made or stutter he had.

He had to sit here, in this hospital bed right now, watching Jessica Davis cry over what she had failed to prevent.  
Again.

Alex felt his heartbeat picking up slightly and his breathing was changing from the usually calm, monotonous breaths to more quickened, strained puffs. He didn't think he'd had a panic attack since he woke up in here and he didn't know why, he just thought he might have successfully blew that part of his brain away, but here he was with his eyes going glassy and his body feeling like it wasn't receiving enough oxygen. Jessica had seen this before and she knew what she was supposed to do to help him when they were together but so much had changed since then, so she had no idea what he would want now.

"Hey," she whispered softly, slowly standing up from the chair she was sitting in and taking his hand back into hers whether he wanted her to or not. "Alex?" she whispered to try and get his wide eyes to lock onto her but her attempt failed. As she stood, the chair scraped noisily against the floor again, this time moving away from her to give her more room for where she was standing.

Alex felt like his head was spinning for the lack of oxygen and he couldn't focus on a single thing. His eyes flickered from Jessica's lips as they moved to form his name and then down at her hand that was holding onto his to try and desperately tame his anxiety, which didn't work like it used to anymore. Then his eyes went over to the concerned, wide eyed and clueless jock that was leaning forwards in his own chair with a worried expression. He didn't look like he understood what was happening, which was the truth. Justin's expressions had become that of an open book since he had spoken to Alex a little more during their times in this room alone together. Even Justin wouldn't have been able to keep his expression blank every single day and hour of his life, it made sense for him to have let his guard down during his tired moments at nighttime with Alex just laying in the bed. Alex didn't strike him as the judgemental boy he used to be anymore, so Justin wasn't as eager to be the tough, intimidating jock. Their roles changed when they were in here together and even Jessica's presence wasn't making Justin unaware of Alex's need for help, and possibly  _his_  help.

Alex removed his hand from Jessica's grip and used it to grab at the fabric of his shirt over his chest, which he tugged at relentlessly to see if it would help the air go deeper into his lungs.

"J-" the boy in the bed began, looking between the two of them.

"J-"

Justin didn't know what he was trying to say, this one of the first times that he hadn't been able to guess the ending of Alex's stutter to save him the frustration of finishing it himself.

_Jess or Justin?_

It could be either, but Justin had finally snapped out of his stupidity and he knew this was a panic attack, and quite the bad one according to the terrified look in Alex's eyes. Maybe he was just even more scared because this was the first time it had happened in a while and the first time after the 'accident'.

"Justin?" Alex decided rather quickly, yet also weakly for the lack of breath he had to spare. Justin didn't care about the girl that was with them in the room just then, he just focused on Alex and his tearful, still striking, blue eyes. A sob escaped Alex's lips amidst the short and uneven breaths and Justin was almost one hundred percent sure that this was the most vulnerable he had ever seen this sarcastic, damaged soul before. Even when he was unconscious and hadn't even opened his eyes yet, he didn't look as weak and broken as he did right now. Alex was always so good at hiding his panic attacks and his emotions that it was scary, but not as scary as when these bottled up feelings finally all came out at once.

Jessica had acted as a trigger for all of the regret and the emotions that Alex had felt over the past few months, which spurred on this panic attack and the tears that came with it. Neither of the teens went to get a nurse because Alex wouldn't want that, even Justin knew Alex enough to know that he wouldn't want to be babied by a stranger. Alex had verbally confirmed that Justin was important in calming him down, or he had at least said Justin's name in the form of the question and Justin saw that as an invitation to stand up out of his chair and half sit down on the mattress beside Alex, careful not to sit on him. He thought that just reminding Alex of his presence might help because he had become a constant in Alex's life recently, even if that's all he was. A constant.

Justin took Alex's hand that was pulling at his shirt violently in his, noticing that both of their hands were shaking but Alex's were shaking a lot more violently because he was scared he wouldn't be able to breathe. The fear of suffocating was overwhelming him and his hands were shaking like a leaf. The shaking lessened as soon as Justin took that one hand of his into his own and prevented the repetitive pulling and tugging of the fabric of his t-shirt, which wasn't helping at all.

"Alex," Justin said in a slightly panicked tone but that didn't help the situation at all, it just made Alex whimper in his attempts at sucking in deeper breaths. The jock let go of Alex's hand once he had made sure he didn't plan on pulling at his shirt anymore and he looked down at his own hands, unsure where to put them. With a shake of his head, he leaned forwards with one of his hands on either side of Alex's thighs because it was the most practical way of leaning forwards and attaining eye contact with the shaking boy. His eyes looked up after he had awkwardly moved around his position and made sure he was okay to sit like this or if it made it worse, which it didn't.

"Alex," he said again. This time the voice was firm and authoritative, something that Alex had grown up in a household with and he knew better than to go against that sort of order, even though he knew it only came from Justin and not his slightly terrifying father. In response, Alex eyes snapped up and their eyes met.

Blue met blue, again.

Justin reached forwards with one of his hands and gently got rid of a couple of Alex's tears, even though he felt incredibly awkward doing so. "Breathe," Justin reminded him.

"I c-ca-"

"No, Alex, you can," Justin told him firmly as he shifted his body a little closer and lifted up both of his hands. He placed his hands on either one of Alex's shoulders to try and stop the way his shoulders were moving up and down shakily with each sob. Alex shook his head quickly but his eyes never left Justin's once, even if the boy shied away uncomfortably from the gaze and glanced down at the space between them momentarily. Eventually he plucked up the courage to look at Alex again and he was really at a loss of what to say or do. He didn't want to fail at calming Alex down because he felt responsible for Alex being in here so he was probably responsible for this panic attack in terms of the butterfly effect too, but he had never had to deal with this before.

In the movies, people always tried breathing with the person having a panic attack to calm them down. That was his next approach.

Justin locked eyes with Alex and searched his eyes for any indication that he was helping or not but he didn't get a single thing other than a scared, unspoken plea of 'please help me', or at least that's what his imagination told him it meant.

The boy in the varsity jacket started to overdramatise his own breaths by deeply sucking in the air between them and then slowly letting it out again. He nodded to encourage Alex to do it with him, and even though the blonde boy found it incredibly embarrassing, he did. He didn't feel as embarrassed because Justin was doing it with him and eventually his inhales and exhales increased in length.

Jessica felt responsible for triggering such a harsh panic attack, one that she watched being tamed in front of her by the second worst person at the whole of Liberty as far as she was aware, but she didn't leave straight away.

While Alex was still slowly getting his breath back to normal, she stepped into his view and cleared her throat. Her eyes were still watery and her cheeks were wet, but somehow her makeup remained nothing less than perfect. She had put on waterproof mascara in preparation for the occasion, which was partly to thank for the lack of smudges under her eyes. "I'm sorry, I'll come and see you again," she promised with a frantic nod of her head and a guilty, apologetic look in her eye.

Justin wasn't sure how long after that she left, but he just remembered turning to look back when he was positive that Alex didn't need to stare into his ocean of two eyes anymore, and she wasn't there. He slowly turned back towards Alex to make sure that he was completely calm and over his panic attack, which he seemed to be. The poor boy looked shaken and he was upset with himself for such a thing happening, but that didn't mean he wasn't relieved for that to be over. All Alex wanted was the chance to cry to himself and not worry about anyone judging him but being in a public place meant that he really didn't have the luxury of privacy, especially with Justin hanging around all night too. At least at home he could take the dead of night as an invitation to cry silently in his room where his dad would never see him and think of him as less of a man as he already did. Despite wanting to be alone to cry himself to sleep, or more just cry because his insomnia flaring recently, Alex didn't want Justin to ever leave his side. He could tell that the jock had no idea what he was doing, or if he had done this right or not, but the former blonde couldn't find the words to tell him that he did a good job.

Eventually, Justin had to remove his arms from Alex's shoulders and he awkwardly moved away from the bed, where he was sat on the mattress, to settle back down on the much less comfortable chair at the side of the bed. When he moved, Alex shifted into a laying down position with his back to the door and his eyes on Justin. This brought Justin right back to a night that had been a fond memory he looked back on when he first started hanging around the hospital, and he wondered if Alex would remember it too.

"Stop staring at me, Standall," Justin told him but instead of being defensive like the first time, this time he was just joking around and Alex recognised that. He also recognised the memory of their first night sleeping in the same room together when Alex offered him a place to crash, or more Justin asked and Alex said yes.

"Fuck you, Foley."

No stutter and no hesitation, Alex Standall even managed the smallest of smiles on his lips as a few tears continued to fall from his eyes after he survived that difficult panic attack. Justin was yet again reminded that Alex didn't have any memory loss, and he also realised that Alex remembered that one memory just like Justin did. It clearly meant a little something to both boys enough to remember it, whatever that something was.

Alex also remembered having the guilt of Justin sleeping on the uncomfortable floor when he had such a big, comfortable bed that he could have stayed in. He hadn't felt guilty about laying in this hospital bed until now, but just like back then he wasn't going to offer Justin a place beside him in the bed because they were barely friends and it was highly inappropriate, much like holding hands no matter how much Alex felt comforted by that simple action no matter who it was from.

Thinking about that night when Justin had even asked to stay in the garage, Alex realised he had probably slept in much worse places than a warm bedroom floor.

Hopefully this hospital room wasn't too horrible for him because Alex would hate for him to find some place better and leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, please comment things you want to see more of and just to let me know if anyone is still reading because it means a lot and makes me want to write more! Again, I'm so sorry for not being here but it's been a hard few months for me.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He hated himself for hoping that Alex's stutter would stop him from asking too many questions but he was mistaken.

The strenuous days came in between many calm and relatively  _normal_  ones for the tortured blonde, who was losing count of how long he had been stuck in this damned hospital. Holidays passed, the odd week that his classmates didn't have to go into school and he was still stuck; trapped in these walls. It had realistically only been a few months but it felt like a lot longer than that so Alex's mind was over exaggerating for the sake of his imagination.

Justin hadn't exactly been feeling in the partying mood when his week off popped up out of nowhere anyway, and Alex understood why.

Monday morning rolled around and Justin jumped awake, startled by the incessant blaring of his phone. It seemed the alarm clock feature didn't care about the fact that he had a week off.

The pair of teens had already established that Alex didn't mind the alarms that Justin needed in order wake him up for school, even though Alex didn't have a particular time that he needed to wake up in the morning. It would probably be useful for him to fall into some kind of routine, or so the doctors kept saying with their meticulous planning of his days, but he wasn't sleeping at night anyway because of his insomnia and often beat Justin's alarm. Justin had his alarm set for each and every weekday, apparently even the ones when he had been granted the day off. In annoyance he reached for his phone and turned the relentless noise off, making sure it had definitely been turned off so that it didn't try and 'wake him up' in the next ten minutes as if he had clicked  _snooze_.

His annoyance brought some amusement to the former blonde that was watching him from his bed, where his eyes were staring shamelessly at Justin's face. The way the taller boy's eyebrows furrowed and his lips pressed together was quite the picture, an innocent frustration at his phone and momentarily not at the world for doing him wrong.

Alex didn't know that there was a week off so he was as amused as he was curious at Justin's angry response. For a moment, he thought he was going to witness the boy throwing the phone at the ground for waking him up, which might completely kill the device for good because it was already cracked all over the screen beyond repair. Justin didn't quite do that but he did shove the phone onto the table beside Alex's bed, which had as much of his own things on it as it did Alex's now that he was truly falling into the habit of staying here. He didn't know what he was going to do when Alex went home because he was making enough progress for that to be an option soon, and then where would Justin end up? The security at the school was too great for him to stay there overnight or even attempt to hide out until the place was locked up. Sleeping in doorways and under bridges wasn't a lifestyle that Justin had ever wanted for himself. He couldn't go back to his mom though, that was one place he knew that he wasn't welcome.

"S-" Alex began, having to swallow between his first and second attempt at speaking. He leaned over to grab Justin's sleeve from where the brunette's hand had come to rest on the bed because he couldn't reach anything else unless he risked his laptop falling sideways off of its safe position on his lap. His eager fingers closed around the sleeve and tugged on the fabric lightly because he still didn't have the strength in his arms to pull harshly, which wasn't a problem for anyone other than himself and the doctors that were trying to get his body and mind strong enough for him to go home. Apparently the reason that he hadn't been allowed to go home yet was because his psychologist didn't think he was making much progress, but Alex didn't know that. That was information that only his parents had the luxury of knowing. "School." Alex stated, as if he was ordering Justin to go. There was a spark of the old Alex Standall in his tone and Justin would be lying if he said he didn't feel nostalgic, or even vaguely reminiscent. This was the Alex that would boss people around if he thought they were being ridiculous or just a complete idiot, which Justin used to be often.

"There isn't any school," Justin grumbled in a voice thick with sleep. He cleared his throat and almost cringed at the sound of his own voice, settling himself back into the chair that he was now a master at sleeping in. He hadn't slept in an actual bed for months, which was crazy to anyone apart from him. He didn't exactly have a choice, unless he wanted to brave the streets. Outside on the ground was much worse than a chair.

Justin had never actually slept on the streets before because if nobody would take him in, Bryce would.

Alex's confused expression made Justin explain further because he wasn't going to make the boy ask. Any talking was usually a hard thing for Alex to do because it reminded him of how stupid he felt inside and how angry he was at himself. The one thing that Alex had always been good at was talking. He had the snarky comments and commendable comebacks, so for someone like him this hindrance of a stutter was even more challenging to overcome. Around Justin it wasn't so bad because they often filled the silence between TV shows and movies with small comments. He had even began to make Justin smile every now and then with his dorky comments about the things they watched. Every so often he'd speak effortlessly enough to not have the stutter too, but that was a very rare occurrence.

"Week off," Justin added. "For everyone."

He earned himself a nod from Alex, though a short one.

There were times when he wished he had more than just a laptop that wasn't connected to the internet to keep him company during the weekdays when Justin was at school because there was only so much that he could do before he started glancing at the clock and counting down the minutes before the brunette might return.

According to the psychologists, anything too mentally straining could still trigger undesirable thoughts in his brain and cause a negative reaction, so his parents were being careful enough to not allow him his phone unless he was being monitored or internet connection on the laptop that he was actually granted. It was the same three movies over and over again that had been illegally downloaded a long time ago, unless his mom brought over another outdated DVD that she found long forgotten in a cupboard somewhere. The older movies that his family used to watch were really bad, he had come to realise. The odd shows on Netflix that Justin managed to stream on his phone, even though the screen was shattered to the point of only being able to hear it, was probably the highlight of his media experiences these days. It was probably a good thing that he wasn't allowed to get caught up in the whirlwind of social media because one could only imagine the messages he had received and wouldn't want to read, but that didn't stop how futile these days were becoming. His head ached too much for him to do much other than listen to his old playlists on his laptop and watch movies, so it wasn't a surprise that the book his mom had stolen from his bedside table at home was still untouched on the bedside table of his hospital bed. Alongside the neglected novel laid Justin's shattered phone, a set of keys to Justin's house that had started weighing down his pockets and two cups that sometimes had water and sometimes had soda inside. Getting back into school work was something that Alex never thought he'd want to do when given the opportunity to skip it, yet here he was wanting nothing more than some algebra or biology to entertain his mind.

Before, he never would have admitted that the likes of Justin Foley would keep him occupied but even the way his tongue stuck out as he struggled over a difficult maths problem or how his eyebrows furrowed when he received a random text that he wasn't expecting, were enough to keep him occupied for hours of just observing and staring. Justin pretended not to notice the relentless stares, even though he had started to feel awfully conscious of his every breath when those eyes were on him. Though they weren't judgemental, they were unintentionally intimidating to someone with such low self esteem.

Alex didn't expect to have company all the time but he had to admit that when he had a full weekend with no breaks from the feathery haired brunette, apart from when he'd pretend he had plans, it grew increasingly bitter to watch him leave early every Monday morning so that he could grab a shower before classes. Eventually Alex had eluded to being worried about the boy's friendships suffering because they were spending so much time together and Justin made a point of lying about seeing a friend after school and that's why he was back an hour later than usual. "I would have called but you don't have a phone," he'd explained lamely before sulking in his chair because he knowingly missed an hour of warmth just to appease Alex and keep his overactive mind at rest. There was no one that he met after school, just a tire swing in the middle of a wooded area that no one seemed to remember anymore apart from him. Justin just thought it was better for Alex to believe that he still had a social life rather than worrying that he was alone, which he was.

Alex's days were a mixture of being on bed rest and pushing himself up to start learning how to move his legs in a way that they hadn't moved for months. He was using muscles that he never thought that he'd be using again before the incident, which he had stopped calling an  _accident_  in his own head because there wasn't a single second of the day that he thought the definition fit. There was nothing accidental about what happened that fateful night, yet if fate truly was real and not a myth that the overly romantic used, then he was also meant to have survived and been placed back on this earth for a second chance.

Second chances seem that of a common thing around Crestmont these days. Clay had started making mindless conversation with Justin when the two were sitting in the room together, which had happened multiple times, because Alex was still struggling to string sentences together, which was the one area of recovery he was making the least progress in. It was more than likely because of his reluctance to keep trying, or a permanent problem that may never fix itself because of the long lasting effects of what happened.

The two brunettes talked across the bed about homework, Clay deliberately bringing the work that he knew he shared with Justin so that they had something to do and talk about, just to make sure that it wasn't as silent. Clay wished that Alex was feeling more up to talking because it would be much more ideal to talk to the former blonde than Justin but the prior basketball star would have to do. They were all giving each other a little bit of a second chance. Justin a second chance at not being a dick, Clay a second chance at not losing another friend and Alex a second chance at life. It was a luxury that Hannah didn't get but Alex hadn't started seeing it as a blessing in disguise yet; he still felt pretty cheated by death.

The more painful his recovery became, the less likely it was to see Mr Standall around the hospital. Justin had noticed so he doubted Alex's perceptive and observant brain had missed such a detail but he hoped the boy wasn't too upset about it. Justin was there through thick and thin, even if he tried not to talk about it when Alex stumbled on his weak legs or when he stuttered over his words. The former sports star and popular boy at the high school was learning to bite his tongue and just say nothing at all, when he knew he would have jumped at the chance at commenting on Alex's misfortune in the past to tease him or make Bryce proud.

That was the one person in this world that he never wished to make proud again.

The taunting words that he'd receive if Bryce Walker knew that Justin had been hanging around the hospital everyday because he was homeless and he was starting to care about Alex more than he'd ever cared about a guy before would be awful, but he didn't mind. Anyone could taunt him as much as they wanted and they could give him weird looks across the hallway but his friendship with the boy in the bed beside this chair right now was none of their business. Alex had only ever noted one time when someone sat in Justin's chair and that was Jessica when Jessica and Clay were both there at the same time, making idle conversation that he actually didn't pay attention to for once. Usually, Alex would pay a lot of attention to the voices because it was something, anything, to keep him distracted but all he could think about was Justin Foley sitting in the chair where Jessica had rudely placed herself on her visit, the first since her initial visit when he had a panic attack.

"Oh," Alex said into the silence that surrounded them, the exclamation falling easily off of his lips and then being long forgotten as Justin closed his eyes as if he was trying to catch up on the sleep that he had missed out on when his phone woke him up.

Alex didn't have Justin's gift of being able to sleep through beeping machines, hospital noises and even just sleeping in an uncomfortable chair so he just let go of Justin's sleeve to continue clicking at his laptop. The old, worn keys made loud clicking sounds with each time he pressed on one of them.

_Click, click, click._

That was all Justin could hear.

He wasn't sure what Alex was typing but it would have been infuriating if he thought he had any chance at falling asleep in the first place. Sleep had always been a cruel mistress of his.

Eventually Justin opened his eyes and stared at Alex with a blank expression, though when the smaller boy's eyes looked up from the screen in boredom he thought there was a particular annoyance laced into Justin's features. "Sorry," he stammered out, managing the full word on his second attempt. He was proud of that, even if Justin didn't look as impressed from where he slumped into his chair even more.

There weren't many times that Justin came to Alex in a bad mood like this, even if sometimes he got frustrated and admitted that someone was a dick to him at school that day or his teacher was an ass. Each time, the captive to the hospital had nodded once or blinked at him and then proceeded to stare at the screen of his laptop or twiddle his thumbs in his lap. He knew better than to risk getting too inquisitive about things like that. They may watch movies together and laugh like friends but that didn't mean that Justin considered him as one. This time Alex was growing in curiosity and he actually did care for the brunette that sat beside him in the hospital everyday. He wanted to ask so many questions but only one seemed appropriate and relevant to their current conversation.

"What's up?" he tripped over his words again but didn't bat an eyelid because this was Justin Foley who had seen him at his worst over the last few months.

Justin shrugged his shoulders. He hated himself for hoping that Alex's stutter would stop him from asking too many questions but he was mistaken. Alex continued by merely stating Justin's name, something he could now say without a stutter and without a problem. Justin. It was simple, though not monosyllabic, and he felt confident saying it.

The boy pushed the top of his laptop down until it clicked shut and then gently pushed it to the side of the bed that he currently wasn't occupying. Hospital beds weren't as thin as he thought they would be, or maybe it was just because of the ward that he was in or the slimming of his body from not consuming as much. His body had started to gravitate towards the side of the bed that Justin was sitting beside too, which meant that he easily disposed of the laptop on his knee to the space beside him in order give his full attention to the other teen.

"Nothing." Justin told Alex sharply, hoping his tone would be enough to stop him from asking again. He was underestimating Alex's curiosity.

"J-" the blue eyed boy started saying the other's name, which was originally going to be followed by a question, but he paused to regain his thoughts and refocus his mind like the doctors told him to when he was trying to speak clearly. Justin cut him off.

"I'm fine."

Completely ignoring the hint of desperation that Justin had in order to focus on the fact he was lying, Alex frowned at him. "Tell me," he ordered because after everything that Justin had heard about Alex from being around the hospital all this time, he thought he owed it to him to share some of his own thoughts and feelings. Keeping the conversation light was only going to last so long and Alex didn't have a clue what was going to happen to Justin after he was let out of the hospital. For now, both of them were content sharing a room and keeping each other company in the dead of night but Alex hadn't heard either of his parents mention Justin's whereabouts after this. The former blonde didn't hear anything about Justin or why he wasn't going home to his mom, which worried him and interested him at the same time. He had never asked about it, he wasn't even asking about it now, but he wished Justin would tell him off of his own accord.

He wanted answers, and he thought Justin owed it to him.

Justin's eyebrows furrowed and his lips pressed together slightly. His entire body turned towards Alex at the new demanding tone that he heard drip from his words. The imperative wasn't making him any more inclined to enlighten Alex at this early hour in the morning. In fact, he wanted to tell him even less. On any other day, he might have taken into account that the way he said his words was probably more so due to the fact he had to be forceful in order not to stutter but right now he found it completely unacceptable and demeaning.

"Fuck you, Standall." Justin muttered in annoyance before he pushed his chair back. It was almost unsuccessful because his worn converse slid on the hospital floor but he managed to find some grip and push himself away from the bed. He crossed his arms angrily over his chest. "I don't have to fucking be here."

If his actions were meant to close him off then he had done a good job because Alex felt very separated from Justin right now. Every metaphorical step forwards that they had taken was suddenly gone and replaced with an invisible wall. It definitely wasn't the time for them to have any sort of argument but inside this hospital room with their history, it was bound to happen sooner or later. After weeks and months of Justin being careful and treading on eggshells, he had finally spoken a 'fuck you' that was full of malice and ill intent that Alex didn't know how to handle. His mouth felt dry and his throat felt like it was closing in but his eyes were constantly glassy anyway so Justin probably wouldn't notice the wateriness of them right now as he processed what had happened. The former blonde couldn't remember when this conversation had taken a turn but he didn't want to just sit here and let Justin talk to him like that. A flare of his old self sparked inside of him and even if he didn't look the part and his voice was weak, his words weren't.

"I-I didn't ask you to be here."

If it wasn't for the first little blip then Alex may have gotten away with his words being forceful. It didn't even matter that the tone he used wasn't all that firm because the words were enough to unsettle Justin deep in his gut and make his heart drop into his stomach.

 _What the fuck?_  The brunette thought to himself as he clenched his fists to release some of his anger and build up frustration. He didn't need this shit.

"Fuck you."

Alex didn't know what he had done to deserve Justin speaking to him like that but then neither did Justin know what he had done to deserve Alex speaking to him like that. The two weren't the best at communicating so their communication with each other was even more pathetic. The two were fiery, even m after the accident Alex had some spark, so the two were left slightly dumbfounded by the words that had just been shared between them.

All Alex could remember was watching Justin as he stood from the chair and grabbed his bag and letter man jacket from where it was draped over the back. The blanket that had been taken from the foot of Alex's bed and draped over Justin for when he slept was now on the floor, discarded and forgotten while the boy put the strap of his bag over his shoulder. He was in too much of a rush to escape the now suffocating and unwelcoming hospital room that he didn't even have the time to pull on his jacket before he was shoving all of his things from Alex's bedside table into his bag. The phone and the keys were shoved into the top of his bag before he walked over to the door. Alex could see how much of a rush he was in because of the hoodie and t-shirt he left behind, which somehow made their way out of his bag a previous day and now remained there as Justin left the room.

The teen walked out of the room and down the relatively empty hall of the hospital. He didn't know where he was going, he didn't know what he was going to do and he definitely didn't know whether he would be coming back. There were only few things that he did know.

Alex didn't need him.

Justin's thoughts and insecurities of his importance in this world were all crashing down on him. Every time he told himself that Alex didn't need him and the former blonde could do better were discarded when the boy didn't tell him to leave or turn him away, but right now they had finally been proven as true.  _I didn't ask you to be here_ , he'd said.

He was right.

Alex didn't ask Justin to be here so why the fuck was he here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter, let me know what you think! I love reading comments. (:


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